I'm Afraid She'll Laugh At Me
When I break it down to what matters. in the end, that's really the only fear. The same fear I've always had since the moment I noticed girls. ( Sad thing is I only realize this after i've been working too long and then go off and get drunk on the high that is what I do.) That's the result. This dawning understanding et all. Pretty pathetic, don't you think. I makes me sad when I think about it too much. So, the key here for this next year is to not think too much about it....I mean really, ...... Move on.
It's been hard, and there's been various smoke screens in the way for too long. ( I'm now going into my sixth year without a significant relationship...) But, really it's been the same one. For years it's been this feeling that I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. A sort of double fear of rejection or acceptance. ( Because, in my experience acceptance leads to lies and betrayal. ) But, last years encounter with my ex and subsequent slutty Ex sex made me realize that she's just one of those sad pathetic women that I really should have just slept with and forgotten all those years ago. vs, tried to fix and make better. And that's the only cross I have to carry, in any of my memories of us.
For which, I'm glad I have this outlet ( whether anyone cares or not....I type for me and if you read any of this, and have comments, good or bad. Just pile them on. I'm tough enough. ) A place to spew and let out. bitch, cry, get angry, and ultimately resolve this past.
I can't begin to tell you what a resolution this last year has been. I feel I've grown in ways i never thought I would have even seen. I've confronted things and feelings that i normally wouldn't have and I've been stupid and sarcastic about issues in front of me, that would have made me weak inside before. Encouraged almost by my own aloneness. For, I've only had myself to watch over, finically. And after a while, I've found even some bravery there. And I know for certain that other women around me that I've been willing to let in this far, so far haven't treated me with that level of unkindness.
but still, this last fear remains. " I'm Afraid She'll laugh At Me" And dealing with that is the key to being open to the moment and connecting with women. For, I don't have this fear with the same sex. Due to the fact that I'm not attracted to them in that way that exposes me.
And when I think about it that sense of being exposed, feeling male instantly around certain women. That thought is really just another layer in the onion. And at this late an hour, a different entry.
When I break it down to what matters. in the end, that's really the only fear. The same fear I've always had since the moment I noticed girls. ( Sad thing is I only realize this after i've been working too long and then go off and get drunk on the high that is what I do.) That's the result. This dawning understanding et all. Pretty pathetic, don't you think. I makes me sad when I think about it too much. So, the key here for this next year is to not think too much about it....I mean really, ...... Move on.
It's been hard, and there's been various smoke screens in the way for too long. ( I'm now going into my sixth year without a significant relationship...) But, really it's been the same one. For years it's been this feeling that I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. A sort of double fear of rejection or acceptance. ( Because, in my experience acceptance leads to lies and betrayal. ) But, last years encounter with my ex and subsequent slutty Ex sex made me realize that she's just one of those sad pathetic women that I really should have just slept with and forgotten all those years ago. vs, tried to fix and make better. And that's the only cross I have to carry, in any of my memories of us.
For which, I'm glad I have this outlet ( whether anyone cares or not....I type for me and if you read any of this, and have comments, good or bad. Just pile them on. I'm tough enough. ) A place to spew and let out. bitch, cry, get angry, and ultimately resolve this past.
I can't begin to tell you what a resolution this last year has been. I feel I've grown in ways i never thought I would have even seen. I've confronted things and feelings that i normally wouldn't have and I've been stupid and sarcastic about issues in front of me, that would have made me weak inside before. Encouraged almost by my own aloneness. For, I've only had myself to watch over, finically. And after a while, I've found even some bravery there. And I know for certain that other women around me that I've been willing to let in this far, so far haven't treated me with that level of unkindness.
but still, this last fear remains. " I'm Afraid She'll laugh At Me" And dealing with that is the key to being open to the moment and connecting with women. For, I don't have this fear with the same sex. Due to the fact that I'm not attracted to them in that way that exposes me.
And when I think about it that sense of being exposed, feeling male instantly around certain women. That thought is really just another layer in the onion. And at this late an hour, a different entry.
djdragyn:
dude you give really good advice, seriously. are you a dr?