So, I havent continued the story of our trip to the BVI. I promise I will do that. First however, a little update on life. Ive been sick for the past two weeks and finally am feeling better. When I get sick, I get really sick. Ive gone long spells without getting sick or ignoring minor sniffles. So, when Im hit, Im down and out. Im nearly through the course of antibiotics and feeling a lot better. Thats why I havent had the energy to write.
Down and out though also describes my mood. The clock finally ran out on my doctorate and I didnt get the great job for which I was interviewing. This marks only the second time in my entire life that I didnt get a job for which I interviewed. In addition to the illness this really knocked me flat
for about 24 hours. I was expecting to feel much worse. I was expecting to spiral into self doubt and depression. These are feelings I know very well. I was undiagnosed dysthimic (low grade depression) and subsequently depressed for years. It went undiagnosed because I was so high-functioning that no one not even my closest friends had any idea how bad off I really was. Years of therapy helped me more than I can say. I don't recognize the person I was. There is that feeling you have when depressed as if your trying to move forward and there is a big invisible rubber wall pushing back. It's the feeling of carrying unseen weight that makes each step and each movement a conscious effort. I had some great therapists and over the course of years finally got to the point where I am now and where I've been for more than 7 years. I haven't feel those depths of depression in all that time. While I am certainly not happy about the state of my life at the moment, I find myself not depressed but rather liberated and determined.
Its not that I didnt want the doctorate, I did and part of me still wants to finish it having come so very close. However, it was never my idea. I had never intended to get a doctorate. I think my paralysis regarding it was a function of a number of things not least of which was very simply that my heart wasnt in it. I tried to force myself to do it and even made deals with myself that I wouldnt write the novels and short stories that have been dancing in my head for decades until the dissertation was over. Truthfully, that is where my heart really lies. I am now embarking on the most important, frightening and exciting adventure of my life. Im starting to write. I have no idea what if anything will come of it and Im still applying for jobs in public health. But Im also looking at other possibilities.
That is the liberating part. That I am now free to define or redefine or even leave undefined my very being. Its a blank canvas, a blank sheet of paper and what appears upon it will be me, only me, all me.
Down and out though also describes my mood. The clock finally ran out on my doctorate and I didnt get the great job for which I was interviewing. This marks only the second time in my entire life that I didnt get a job for which I interviewed. In addition to the illness this really knocked me flat
for about 24 hours. I was expecting to feel much worse. I was expecting to spiral into self doubt and depression. These are feelings I know very well. I was undiagnosed dysthimic (low grade depression) and subsequently depressed for years. It went undiagnosed because I was so high-functioning that no one not even my closest friends had any idea how bad off I really was. Years of therapy helped me more than I can say. I don't recognize the person I was. There is that feeling you have when depressed as if your trying to move forward and there is a big invisible rubber wall pushing back. It's the feeling of carrying unseen weight that makes each step and each movement a conscious effort. I had some great therapists and over the course of years finally got to the point where I am now and where I've been for more than 7 years. I haven't feel those depths of depression in all that time. While I am certainly not happy about the state of my life at the moment, I find myself not depressed but rather liberated and determined.
Its not that I didnt want the doctorate, I did and part of me still wants to finish it having come so very close. However, it was never my idea. I had never intended to get a doctorate. I think my paralysis regarding it was a function of a number of things not least of which was very simply that my heart wasnt in it. I tried to force myself to do it and even made deals with myself that I wouldnt write the novels and short stories that have been dancing in my head for decades until the dissertation was over. Truthfully, that is where my heart really lies. I am now embarking on the most important, frightening and exciting adventure of my life. Im starting to write. I have no idea what if anything will come of it and Im still applying for jobs in public health. But Im also looking at other possibilities.
That is the liberating part. That I am now free to define or redefine or even leave undefined my very being. Its a blank canvas, a blank sheet of paper and what appears upon it will be me, only me, all me.
Oh yes.
On a more interesting note, great blog. Sounds like you've got some really useful re-focusing on your horizon. I have a feeling that this will be a great time for you.
Best.
Very fast, with running backstays. These boats can lose the mast if the helm makes a boo boo. Here's hoping I can keep us on course.