rayla

I recently lost someone very close to me ( it's hard to put a label on them but they were pretty much my soul my missing piece he made me feel a little less insane In this world) and I can't seem to get past it 😢 every part of me feels like it's unraveling. I can't seem to finish anything, I start many little projects but get so anxious to finish them? I just can't seem to bring myself to, my memory is totally gone I forget things that have just happened sometimes to even put shoes on before I walk out he door. I stopped working because I was a mess which is killing me because let's face it who can survive these days without a job? But I can hardly leave my room 😔 Iv been to the doctor more times in the last few months the my whole life, I see a counsellor but I feel no better.i am still yet to visit his grave I keep meaning to but I put it off every time I can't say good buy I just don't know how to. At the funeral I was a mess I had no idea it would be an open casket and had to be carried out of the funeral home 😢 I feel lost, sad, angry, stressed all the time, I can't sleep most nights! I just can't believe it's real?

I find myself just standing in the kitchen sometimes expecting him to burst through the door and tell me it was all a sick joke. I know it's unhealthy but I. Almost convincing myself it's not real.

I put on a smile and try to go about my day because let's be honest no one wants to be around someone who is constantly down and gloomy.

Iv had to leave my studies because I couldn't focus I couldn't drive or even listen to music without breaking down, and Iv tried to apply to have my fees remitted but then are denying me and telling me to pay the 10,000 because my story doesn't add up? which is in turn putting more stress that I'm not dealing to well with.

I guess my question is how do you really deal with death of a loved one? I know everyone's different but I just seem to be making a mess of myself and as much as I wish I could press pause I can't 😔 I have so much pressure on me to get back to life.

Thanks my lovelys X