I found this piece this morning while looking around for something else (that's apparently vanished in a little wisp of aether & the smell of scorched wires & what P. G. Wodehouse has referred to as "the acrid stench of scorched poetry") --it was, if I remember correctly, sort of a mock "letter to the editor"I dashed off during a moment of boredom a little over a year ago. it's rather dated (anthrax, anybody?) & pretty thin, but I can't think of much else to write today:
To Whom It May Concern:
It is easy in the current hysteria over terrorists & anthrax to forget an even more pressing problem--one that mankind has faced for generations. I am speaking, of course, about Vampires & various other breeds of the Walking Undead.
I make an urgent plea to the current administration to stop throwing money at imaginary enemies & start throwing money at better defense against this threat.
I myself have, at considerable expense to myself & with no help from the government thankyouverymuchClinton, kept a stockpile of holy water, garlic & crucifixes, & I'm happy to say that I have NOT ONCE been attacked by vampires. But perhaps I'm just one of the lucky ones. Perhaps it's only just a matter of time.
There's been too much attention being paid to the amount of immigrants in this country, & especially in New York, while neglecting the number of "citizens" who, especially in New York, Satan's Vacation Home in the East, never go out in daylight & couldn't be convinced to go into a church, cringe when the merest mention of OurLord&SaviourJesusChrist is made, wear too much black & can never be seen to eat--
It should be obvious why they hate us so much: we can go out in the daylight & frisk about in the dandelions like wee bunnies, while they huddle in their sublets watching the Discovery channel drinking the blood of unbaptized babies. They won't be happy until EACH & EVERY ONE OF US daylightdwellers has been infected, until even the most innocent child amongst us spend the days hanging from the rafters, resting up for a long night of feasting on his schoolchums.
Steps must be taken, but it may already be too late. To ignore the this threat means a future in which we are pledging allegiance to the Prince of Darkness:
1) Elevate the Catholic Church to a branch of Government. Place a high-ranking Bishop in the newly-created post of Defense Cheif in Charge of Defense Against Vampires. This won't be cheap, but you can't put a price tag on your immortal soul.
2) Station priests in every town in America that is in danger of infiltration by vampires. They should be equipped with Sterling Silver crosses. (To cut costs a little bit on this, it may be necessary to have these mass produced overseas, possibly using non-Christian labor.) Garlic is essential, & it's fortunate that the President has made powerful friends in charge of growing & distributing this vital herb. Smaller, idependent producers may be required to turn over their crops for the Good of the Nation. Large tanks of Holy Water should be constructed throughout the nation, with guards posted. (Well-known fact: the blood-tinged pee of A SINGLE VAMPIRE is enough to infect, um, a whole bunch of holy water.)
3) Vampires & any nation that harbors vampires should be razed.
4) Suspected Vampires should be exposed to daylight. If they burst into flames they are definitely Vampires. If they don't, they might be of the new breed of Super Vampire that can stand the sun with impunity & should be staked & beheaded. If they perish without shreiking & then turning into a poof of dust, then they probably weren't Super Vampires, but I'm not saying that mistakes won't be made.
5) It's a well-known fact that if you kill the Head Vampire, all other Vampires will be unvampirized, blinking uncertainly, rubbing their eyes & muttering, "Wh--Where am I? Why am I wearing all this black?" All known Vampires should be staked & beheaded until this happens. This may take quite some time. We need to be in this for the Long Haul.
6) Even finding the Head Vampire is a short-term solution, & we can't hope to be safe from the Pale Menace until we locate Hell & assasinate Satan Himself, to prevent him from making more Head Vampires. I suggest we start looking in San Francisco.
It is my fervent hope that SOMEBODY heeds my words, & we can hope that maybe not we, but our children, or our children's children, will live in an America free from Vampire attacks.
If you're not for this, you're for the Vampires, & may God have mercy on your soul.
I thank you for your time,
D. Girard, Concerned Citizen
To Whom It May Concern:
It is easy in the current hysteria over terrorists & anthrax to forget an even more pressing problem--one that mankind has faced for generations. I am speaking, of course, about Vampires & various other breeds of the Walking Undead.
I make an urgent plea to the current administration to stop throwing money at imaginary enemies & start throwing money at better defense against this threat.
I myself have, at considerable expense to myself & with no help from the government thankyouverymuchClinton, kept a stockpile of holy water, garlic & crucifixes, & I'm happy to say that I have NOT ONCE been attacked by vampires. But perhaps I'm just one of the lucky ones. Perhaps it's only just a matter of time.
There's been too much attention being paid to the amount of immigrants in this country, & especially in New York, while neglecting the number of "citizens" who, especially in New York, Satan's Vacation Home in the East, never go out in daylight & couldn't be convinced to go into a church, cringe when the merest mention of OurLord&SaviourJesusChrist is made, wear too much black & can never be seen to eat--
It should be obvious why they hate us so much: we can go out in the daylight & frisk about in the dandelions like wee bunnies, while they huddle in their sublets watching the Discovery channel drinking the blood of unbaptized babies. They won't be happy until EACH & EVERY ONE OF US daylightdwellers has been infected, until even the most innocent child amongst us spend the days hanging from the rafters, resting up for a long night of feasting on his schoolchums.
Steps must be taken, but it may already be too late. To ignore the this threat means a future in which we are pledging allegiance to the Prince of Darkness:
1) Elevate the Catholic Church to a branch of Government. Place a high-ranking Bishop in the newly-created post of Defense Cheif in Charge of Defense Against Vampires. This won't be cheap, but you can't put a price tag on your immortal soul.
2) Station priests in every town in America that is in danger of infiltration by vampires. They should be equipped with Sterling Silver crosses. (To cut costs a little bit on this, it may be necessary to have these mass produced overseas, possibly using non-Christian labor.) Garlic is essential, & it's fortunate that the President has made powerful friends in charge of growing & distributing this vital herb. Smaller, idependent producers may be required to turn over their crops for the Good of the Nation. Large tanks of Holy Water should be constructed throughout the nation, with guards posted. (Well-known fact: the blood-tinged pee of A SINGLE VAMPIRE is enough to infect, um, a whole bunch of holy water.)
3) Vampires & any nation that harbors vampires should be razed.
4) Suspected Vampires should be exposed to daylight. If they burst into flames they are definitely Vampires. If they don't, they might be of the new breed of Super Vampire that can stand the sun with impunity & should be staked & beheaded. If they perish without shreiking & then turning into a poof of dust, then they probably weren't Super Vampires, but I'm not saying that mistakes won't be made.
5) It's a well-known fact that if you kill the Head Vampire, all other Vampires will be unvampirized, blinking uncertainly, rubbing their eyes & muttering, "Wh--Where am I? Why am I wearing all this black?" All known Vampires should be staked & beheaded until this happens. This may take quite some time. We need to be in this for the Long Haul.
6) Even finding the Head Vampire is a short-term solution, & we can't hope to be safe from the Pale Menace until we locate Hell & assasinate Satan Himself, to prevent him from making more Head Vampires. I suggest we start looking in San Francisco.
It is my fervent hope that SOMEBODY heeds my words, & we can hope that maybe not we, but our children, or our children's children, will live in an America free from Vampire attacks.
If you're not for this, you're for the Vampires, & may God have mercy on your soul.
I thank you for your time,
D. Girard, Concerned Citizen
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
That, my friend, was another piece of wonderful fiction. Bravo.
Thanks again