I'm twenty-two and I'm starting to feel worn out. What will this be like when I'm forty? Which is not to say I'd have it any other way; being worn out is a result of activity in the life. But sometimes I wish I could stop time and take a few hours to relax and not have to deliver. By deliver I mean get everything done and done well. I always deliver in the end, no matter the odds, it's just the way my father and mother designed me. Perhaps my being worn out is there fault?
Two graduate schools, a novel in the works, a sister with Turberculosis, and a firm intent to help those I love. They call the latter an altruistic tendency, to want to help people and to find a genuine reward in it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that good but when a friend is down I will step in the ring and finish the fight. Anyway, school is harsh on me, writing destroys my mind and then I still I have to be normal enough to deal with people. When your "free" time is spent creating worlds and spinning characters through them, you start to treat the world differently. You see things, strange things. I see motives and character traits in people, tendencies. Did I mention I'm a psychologist as well as a writer, I swear I'm damned.
My friend is a dominatrix and she says that she started to see power structures in society because of her job. Funny, we were up real late talking about it on the phone, how a psychologist and a domantrix can suffer from similar problems because of their line of work. Just goes to show that we're all the same no matter where we work. Sometimes I wish I didn't work in the lines I did, know the things i do. Psychology changes you in a bad way sometimes. Writing just fucks you up, psychology damn right takes things apart.
I had this class on neurology and for six months I learned about every which way your brain can go wrong and kill you. I learned about how we think we know what the barin does, and we know mostly through correleational information, the bulk of which was collected in WWII. It's been a while. So we aren't too sure, but no one wants to say that so we act like it's all figured out when in fact its kind of a mystery and we only think we know what we're doing.
So yeah, I'm twenty-two and I'm start to feel worn out. I'm starting to feel old. What will I be like when I'm forty?
"I suppose you could always hit a wall and then just go crazy. Seems to be a common habit with people in information high situations. You get smarter and smarter and then you know too much and you go crazy. Boom. Sanity could just be a myth of the ignorant, much as normality. None of us are normal, we are all pretty fucked up. Which makes sense since people are really 80% the same and only 20% truly different; but we focus on that 20 don't we. We don't want to think we're the same as everyone else and then some of us want to be the same as everyone else but unique to. Oh the questions, I love it."
At some point I think perceiving the world in an arguement of two voices became a bad thing. Time for a few hours of sleep before another day of thinking, reading and writing. Goodnight.
Two graduate schools, a novel in the works, a sister with Turberculosis, and a firm intent to help those I love. They call the latter an altruistic tendency, to want to help people and to find a genuine reward in it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that good but when a friend is down I will step in the ring and finish the fight. Anyway, school is harsh on me, writing destroys my mind and then I still I have to be normal enough to deal with people. When your "free" time is spent creating worlds and spinning characters through them, you start to treat the world differently. You see things, strange things. I see motives and character traits in people, tendencies. Did I mention I'm a psychologist as well as a writer, I swear I'm damned.
My friend is a dominatrix and she says that she started to see power structures in society because of her job. Funny, we were up real late talking about it on the phone, how a psychologist and a domantrix can suffer from similar problems because of their line of work. Just goes to show that we're all the same no matter where we work. Sometimes I wish I didn't work in the lines I did, know the things i do. Psychology changes you in a bad way sometimes. Writing just fucks you up, psychology damn right takes things apart.
I had this class on neurology and for six months I learned about every which way your brain can go wrong and kill you. I learned about how we think we know what the barin does, and we know mostly through correleational information, the bulk of which was collected in WWII. It's been a while. So we aren't too sure, but no one wants to say that so we act like it's all figured out when in fact its kind of a mystery and we only think we know what we're doing.
So yeah, I'm twenty-two and I'm start to feel worn out. I'm starting to feel old. What will I be like when I'm forty?
"I suppose you could always hit a wall and then just go crazy. Seems to be a common habit with people in information high situations. You get smarter and smarter and then you know too much and you go crazy. Boom. Sanity could just be a myth of the ignorant, much as normality. None of us are normal, we are all pretty fucked up. Which makes sense since people are really 80% the same and only 20% truly different; but we focus on that 20 don't we. We don't want to think we're the same as everyone else and then some of us want to be the same as everyone else but unique to. Oh the questions, I love it."
At some point I think perceiving the world in an arguement of two voices became a bad thing. Time for a few hours of sleep before another day of thinking, reading and writing. Goodnight.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
jamy:
I read the first 2 lines and then left... you're starting to sound like a 22yr old.... but it will change..... sooner (rather than later) you will be a 23yr old.... and even more bitter
jamy:
lets put it this way.... at least you could say you were born in the '70s' ;-)
