quadrod

i just found out my aunt died. my dads side of the family keeps getting smaller. one of his brothers looks just like him, i haven't seen him in so long, i guess i'll see him tomorrow at the funeral. i always freak out at how much he and my dad looked alike. everytime theres a death in my family like this, i think about the people around me and if they know i care. and others i wish i could spend more time with. i hate letting certain people slip away. but it seems they want it... sucks, i dont have many people i want around. i realize i can be an extreme person, i take a lot. so i guess i drive em away...?
when my other aunt died, her son didnt have money for a lot, so my mom offered for her to be burried in the same grave as my dad... it was so weird to see my dads grave dug up like that. i remember making eye contact with my mom at the grave and feeling no connection to her. when my dad died, my mom didnt tell my sister in california for almost a month that he had died... it must kill her to not have gone to the funeral... what a fucked up family.
my experiences with death seem made up sometimes... when my brother died, i went to the junk yard where his truck was taken to after the wreck, there was dried up blood all over the seat and door, like clunks of mud. i'm gathering his belongings while my brother and two sisters are just standing there frozen. and i'm telling my brother, "paul, help me... paul.. paul..." the hardest thing for me was that on the seat next to all the blood was a picture of me playing bass... jesse had taken that picture a few years earlier. again, the fact that i'll never be able to see jesse again is so overwhelming. theres some people in my life i want to see and i could just pick up the phone or go over but i feel intrusive... i just don't know.
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hello and i miss you.
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