This is from an article I wrote a few years back. I thought you all might get a kick out of it?
I thought in this article I would go all Martha Stewart and shit on ya. I am here to tell you how to make your Christmas shopping experience way more enjoyable. I am sure we would all agree that half the fun of opening a present on Christmas morning is the surprise, for lack of not knowing what is in the package to begin with. I am here to teach you how this can happen for you as the receivers of your gifts open their presents as well. When you think about it, why should you be deprived of the surprise just because the present is not for you. I mean fuck, you paid for it.
The first thing you will need is your favorite holiday spirits, and when I say spirits I don’t mean good will toward your fellow man. When I say spirits I am talking about hooch, liquor, the sauce, joy juice, I could go on with the nick names but I think you get the picture. The first step of the process is you have to get shit faced. For my money I find rum works the best. Now you can either get drunk before you go to the mall, or after you arrive. For the getting drunk before approach you need a designated driver, Other wise you may never make it to the mall. Now if you have no friends like most winos you can brown bag it in a secluded area in the perimeter of the mall, and or designated shopping area. For some reason security seems to frown on drinking in public, so be careful.
Malls at this time of year are very crowded, and chances are no one will even notice you drinking. This brings me to my second point. In order to have a party you need three essential things. You need booze, a lot of people, and good music. By the time your drunk the music doesn’t matter any how. Malls this time of year are elbows, and ass holes, and while the music is no good, by this time you should be so drunk that it wouldn’t matter if they were playing Yani. In turn your otherwise stressful shopping outing turns into a big drunken blur of a party.
Now of course something this good is going to have a downfall. I know sometimes when I cross into the realm of a drunken imbecile I become very generous, and lose sight of the value of money. This especially can become a problem when you are Christmas shopping. What you want to do is set a limit. Don’t set a limit in one lump sum either, it has to be done individually. Lets say you set your lump sum limit at $500, and you end up buying Your grandmother that Olympic size trampoline she always wanted, your shopping funds would be seriously depleted, and for some reason people frown on crackerjack toys as Christmas presents. Write the names of the people you are buying for on envelopes, and put the amount of money you plan on spending on them in the envelopes. As long as you don’t get so drunk you can’t see, this little trick usually works.
I know what your thinking, “What happens when I get home, and I have to wrap all of the presents sober?” There are three ways to solve this problem. The first of which is really easy. What you do is find one of the wrapping booths in the mall to wrap your gifts for you. Just keep the envelope from your planned shopping expenses (with the name on it) with the package. Sometimes you will have to pay for wrapping, but other times you can sign up for some kind of preferred shopper program bullshit. If you have completed the first step correctly, you should have a problem filling out the form (for the preferred shopper program) with your information. Don’t worry about it, all that info is really used for is to send you news letters about the mall and coupons for stores no one ever goes to. If you wanted the coupons well to fucking late, You should have thought about that before you got hammered. Your second choice is not nearly as efficient or cost effective. When you get home it is imperative to never look in your shopping bags until you have repeated the first step over again. Repeating the first step will call for you to buy more liquor, thus costing you more money. Once the first step has been repeated you can start to wrap. When doing the wrapping this way you run into the problem of getting to drunk and you could get things mixed up. It could be quite embarrassing if you gave the thong teddy set you meant for your mom to your uncle, and vice versa. Because lets face it, if your uncle looked good in the red thong you wouldn’t have gotten him the purple one, he loves purple. The third and final choice is to get a friend to do it. Here you have the problem of finding a friend you didn’t buy anything for. This could cause resentment so I don’t suggest it. The best choice is the first one.
When Christmas morning comes, you will be as happy as you were in third grade, when you still pretended to believe in Santa Clause, and your dad, bought your mom her gift from you. Christmas shopping doesn’t have to be stressful, it can be a blast. Just try to stay sober for the opening of the presents, otherwise you have wasted your time. Ho, ho, ho, and a happy fuck’en new year.
I thought in this article I would go all Martha Stewart and shit on ya. I am here to tell you how to make your Christmas shopping experience way more enjoyable. I am sure we would all agree that half the fun of opening a present on Christmas morning is the surprise, for lack of not knowing what is in the package to begin with. I am here to teach you how this can happen for you as the receivers of your gifts open their presents as well. When you think about it, why should you be deprived of the surprise just because the present is not for you. I mean fuck, you paid for it.
The first thing you will need is your favorite holiday spirits, and when I say spirits I don’t mean good will toward your fellow man. When I say spirits I am talking about hooch, liquor, the sauce, joy juice, I could go on with the nick names but I think you get the picture. The first step of the process is you have to get shit faced. For my money I find rum works the best. Now you can either get drunk before you go to the mall, or after you arrive. For the getting drunk before approach you need a designated driver, Other wise you may never make it to the mall. Now if you have no friends like most winos you can brown bag it in a secluded area in the perimeter of the mall, and or designated shopping area. For some reason security seems to frown on drinking in public, so be careful.
Malls at this time of year are very crowded, and chances are no one will even notice you drinking. This brings me to my second point. In order to have a party you need three essential things. You need booze, a lot of people, and good music. By the time your drunk the music doesn’t matter any how. Malls this time of year are elbows, and ass holes, and while the music is no good, by this time you should be so drunk that it wouldn’t matter if they were playing Yani. In turn your otherwise stressful shopping outing turns into a big drunken blur of a party.
Now of course something this good is going to have a downfall. I know sometimes when I cross into the realm of a drunken imbecile I become very generous, and lose sight of the value of money. This especially can become a problem when you are Christmas shopping. What you want to do is set a limit. Don’t set a limit in one lump sum either, it has to be done individually. Lets say you set your lump sum limit at $500, and you end up buying Your grandmother that Olympic size trampoline she always wanted, your shopping funds would be seriously depleted, and for some reason people frown on crackerjack toys as Christmas presents. Write the names of the people you are buying for on envelopes, and put the amount of money you plan on spending on them in the envelopes. As long as you don’t get so drunk you can’t see, this little trick usually works.
I know what your thinking, “What happens when I get home, and I have to wrap all of the presents sober?” There are three ways to solve this problem. The first of which is really easy. What you do is find one of the wrapping booths in the mall to wrap your gifts for you. Just keep the envelope from your planned shopping expenses (with the name on it) with the package. Sometimes you will have to pay for wrapping, but other times you can sign up for some kind of preferred shopper program bullshit. If you have completed the first step correctly, you should have a problem filling out the form (for the preferred shopper program) with your information. Don’t worry about it, all that info is really used for is to send you news letters about the mall and coupons for stores no one ever goes to. If you wanted the coupons well to fucking late, You should have thought about that before you got hammered. Your second choice is not nearly as efficient or cost effective. When you get home it is imperative to never look in your shopping bags until you have repeated the first step over again. Repeating the first step will call for you to buy more liquor, thus costing you more money. Once the first step has been repeated you can start to wrap. When doing the wrapping this way you run into the problem of getting to drunk and you could get things mixed up. It could be quite embarrassing if you gave the thong teddy set you meant for your mom to your uncle, and vice versa. Because lets face it, if your uncle looked good in the red thong you wouldn’t have gotten him the purple one, he loves purple. The third and final choice is to get a friend to do it. Here you have the problem of finding a friend you didn’t buy anything for. This could cause resentment so I don’t suggest it. The best choice is the first one.
When Christmas morning comes, you will be as happy as you were in third grade, when you still pretended to believe in Santa Clause, and your dad, bought your mom her gift from you. Christmas shopping doesn’t have to be stressful, it can be a blast. Just try to stay sober for the opening of the presents, otherwise you have wasted your time. Ho, ho, ho, and a happy fuck’en new year.
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merry christmas!