pudding

i think i'm finally mellowing out, been on a mania driven bender for the last week or so and it has taken it's sweet toll on me. i let myself get terribly out of hand and it kicked my ass. lately i've written a bunch of fairly cryptic nonsensical shit and for that i'm sorry. i just don't know what to say most days other than that i'm not dead and am happy. i'm so happy these days that i'm starting to flail again because i don't know what to do with it. happiness is small and frail and i'm trying my hardest not to crush it under my chucks. and i guess i could be mistaken, maybe this brand of happy isn't frail and small. perhaps in this go round happiness is large and flexible and i can mold it into whatever shape i want. maybe, i hope so. this entire thing, the crazy out of control mania and subsequent mellowing out is the price i pay for not being on meds but i still can't bring myself to go back to the mental health system for help. my typical overwhelming sense of loneliness is on the back burner. i met a boy who is ridiculously cool and understanding and wants to spend time with me. i've been making new friends. this week i start working in produce and leave behind the bitch work of the front end. thank god. and yesterday i even tried my hand at not being a total fucking pushover, it worked.