pudding

been caught in a string of bad days lately. today it was capped off with a set of pink and white nail extensions. and the coffin was shut. i can hardly manage a standard extension, no fucking wonder i can't do the more difficult version of the same thing. the logic is baffling. joe comes home tomorrow morning. it's funny that when you hide away the tools of torture that they manage to surface when you are at your weakest, just saying it's funny. not that they were ever that far out of reach in the first place. creating chaos? yes i am. i feel like shit, and it's not that, "woe is me i hate life" kind of shit. it's more of a, "i think my head is going to explode if i don't find a way to cap this off fast" kind of shit. and i thought the era of break hand or pie had gone the way of the land of nod. silly me. must not have been thinking. i'm in love with martha, she has no idea. lucky her, she would probably be appauled if she knew. oh well. i didn't sleep last night, i did but didn't, it sucked to say the least of it. oblivion is in the freezer and i'm trying to exercise self control. i think. tomorrow at school they are taking our class pictures they are like glamour shots and are super cheesy. no one is getting me to don a feather boa, fuck that in the ass. a good excuse to get your hair and makeup done and look like a drag queen. and you know i can't pass that up. my hair is red now, not meant to be a blonde, even though i loved it's synthetic look. i'm semi-popular at school (for the first time in my life) and guess what? still not happy, makes me nervous, in fact, i hate it. ah, yes, to the freezer. thanks to all that have sent hugs.