pudding

i have a chunk missing out of right eyebrow, but i penciled it in and it looks ok now. it will be funny to me again when i take of my makeup later. can't even have a day without something going wrong (and no i'm not talking about my eyebrow). i just want a simple life, i want to what people say to be what they mean, for there to be no pretense, no agenda, to think normally, to have good healthy relationships, to not be dependant, to not be lonely even though i've only spent five minutes without company, to be able to be myself and speak my mind, to grow up and have the american dream. simple, is a foreign concept there are just too many x factors i guess. at what point did i make the choice that would lead to that life. when did i give that up in favor of this? no answers just more questions, but that is how it goes. maybe that choice wasn't even there to be made in the first place. today is the 1 year anniversary of my voluntary commitment to research psychiatric center in kansas city. lets get one thing straight, i was going to be stuck at research either way, it's just that if i signed the paperwork it meant that i would most likely not have to stay as long, so i did. wouldn't you? i was there for three days, which i will never be able to forget. that is how this whole bipolar disorder thing started, with the shrinks, the drugs, the therapy. so this is happy anniversary to me. and i feel okay, not great but okay. and i would have to say i am better off than i was before this mess, but only by a little. i haven't exactly made leaps and bounds in the course of a year. most people have difficulty, so patience is required. and i have/have not been patient. i have my moments. this is the first combo of drugs that seem to help any at all, and i'm not in a consistent pattern of therapy. i make semi-regular visits to my shrink but that is about it. i could be doing more to help myself, but i dont. why? i'm a little scared actually. i have learned to live and thrive (kind of) off this kind of dysfunction and i don't know what the hell i would do without it. sounds terrible doesn't it? it does to me too. so i bought myself a pizza to help me celebrate but ended up going to sonic and getting mozzarella sticks and a cherry slushy. i saw my family today, they didn't even know what today meant, which is probably good, though i don't know how they could forget. god bless them for putting up with me this long. i bought tootsie pops too, i have recently rediscovered my love for suckers. i have almost vanquished them from the candy jar at work. i'm not the only one so i don't feel as bad. so now on my desk sits a little lollipop tree, it makes me happy just looking at it. the cherry and raspberry ones are my favorite. it rained today, put a damper on my over all mood, but at least it wasn't snow. not sure how to wrap this one up, other than to say thank god for suckers, the only thing that can keep me quiet.