pudding

you can have him, i don't want him anymore. it's like one of those lovely estate auctions that happens after someone dies. take him away, leave not a single piece it will do me no good to keep it around a second longer. and nothing helps, i still feel the same, but different in that the fire has gone out of it. the anger and frustration is there, but i lack the drive to make snide comments or to even say what i am thinking most of the time. i then had dinner with my mom and brother, which was fine, minus one awkward moment when my dad came up in conversation. but i got the secret handshake under the table so all was kosher i suppose. and i have to be at work at 545 in the fucking morning, to sleep or not to sleep, maybe, i'll think about it. for the good of the customers i should sleep, for the good of all those that must deal with me i should sleep. as for the good of me, well, we all know how that one goes. i should teach this shit, that's how good i've become at this fucked up lifestyle, i should teach. i'll call it stress management 101 just to be ironic and therefore not funny. it's hard to be sarcastic all the time, you have to believe me on that. it's exhausting, if it weren't for my sheer will not to quit i would have a long time ago. eats me alive. but you have to love it. to love and loath the thing that gets to you, everyone has one, for me it's me, for you it maybe your job, or school, or your family or whatever. whatever it is that takes chunks out of you, as if you were a cookie meant for devouring. that thing, that one thing or many small things is what i am talking about here. it's almost fantastic in a non-fantastic feeling way. and i look at my new little zoloft circle all happy and looking at ladybugs and realize that this picture is what i am to be aspiring to. happy, simple circle. it's beautiful in a strange way, but you know how you look at things for what they are meant to mean and you don't feel much and then you look at them for what they mean to you and it just kind of knots you up inside. that is the happy zoloft circle to me, he should be, but isn't. and i welcome the knots, what else can you do but welcome them. and it would be so easy to forget, but your mind keeps you from forgetting, you just relive it day after day in one form or another. it's a strange addiction. and i am heartbroken today, in a way that i won't admit to should you ask me about it other than right this second. i just want to mean something good to someone. i don't want to be this hellish 50/50 mix of great and suck that i have been branded with. i'll even settle for a 75/25 good versus bad. but i want to be other than what i have been thought of as. maybe i need to get out of here worse that i thought. but mexico would take it's toll on even me, plus i would get homesick as fuck within a week, i know it. it's all more questions than answers these days, and you fill in the tiny gaps the best you know how, and you get by if you have to sell out to do it. and here i stand, hypocrite, has-been, bent. to become what you can't stand in others is a transformation a long time in the making, you don't even notice, i'll tell you first hand. but you wake up one day and realize what you have fought so hard for was what you said you never wanted, and all of a sudden it's all there and it's falling apart, and you can't fix it, why should you be able to with all you have done to demolish it. and you try in vain and get upset when you can't. which is where we are today. an you wonder what could have been different had you been different. it's all speculation anyway. you are here and there is a big black arrow over-head pointing directly at you. now is the time to exercise your weak minded philosophy, live what you do. you did this, now make it yours, make it better for yourself. but it's hard as hell. you go on. be that happy little zoloft circle, live his little dream. hey Sugar, welcome to the fishbowl.