pudding

i tried so hard just to get through to you... and that's the way it goes, you know? so what do you do? give up on the wasted day, let go, go back to bed, abandon the project. yes. that is what you do. and you smile because everything has gone so far south that at least it can't possibly get any worse. and that is solace, when it can't get worse, there is a certain morbid calm to knowing that no matter what happens you have hit the bottom and can't be pushed down any more. i'm going to be awake for a long time tonight, i know it. slept in and took a four hour nap so i am a zombie. i am so over being me. i used to love it, nothing could be better. now i want something else, i am no longer in love with my little slice of creation. and its alright, but it should be more than that. and i guess at this point i should say goodbye to someone i thought cared and obviously didn't or maybe did but has a funny way of showing it. i know you are busy, and that's cool, and i know a lot of shit has been happening with you lately and thats cool too, but i don't dig feigning interest, just doesn't do it for me. but i guess that's cool too. and you know who you are and i know you won't ever read this, because i just know you well enough to know how you operate i've seen it once before. so good luck in all you do, chase the big dream. and this concludes my shout out. what is it about being lonely on a saturday night that can make you feel like hell. probably the fact that everyone else is doing something or you imagine they are or you hope to god they are because you don't wish your lonliness on others, not that they would ever know if you did. i have got to have noise to keep me company, even if i'm not treally paying attention. i'm such an emo bitch lately, not even the acceptable type three kind. no, i have broken into type one and two territory. might as well wear my smudged eyeliner to bed. i feel numb as fucking hell. guess it's better than some things. i don't know what i'm saying. i guess it is best said in the words of someone else.