pudding

to say that i was upset thirty minutes ago is to say that the hot springs are tepid. to look completely past the title and say your judgement of a lesser temperature was somehow more accurate. i heard weezer's "perfect situation" in the car on my way to work, cranked it, and once parked mashed the side of my face against the steering wheel until it was over. this is how my day started, the details of what happened before that did effect that scenario, but those are my details. my bullshit. at any rate combining the inccident before with the inccident in the car i was primed for a day at work. a day of crazy. not that it was hectic or even really that busy. but all of the inccidents had worked me up into a tight little ball of tension. and everything that went wrong, not that it was much, seemed huge. and at the end of the day i found myself trying not to cry on the shoulder of my boss's husband. yes, i am grateful that my boss, and her family which work or just hang out there are so fucking understanding. if i worked anywhere else i would be considered a complete nut. i see my shrink on friday, so i'm happy that i have the weekend off so that i can wallow in the new drug side effects. nothings better than being sick to your stomache, drowsy, and dizzy, shaky, or a plethera of other fun things. this is the life. and i find myself wanting to say a lot of things but not knowing how to say them or where they belong in the grand scheme of things. anyone who knows me can tell you that i will blurt things out, and normally too early, though the context for said statement is only a few steps away. and jumping the gun is the greatest. sure it is. i do it all the time, not only in speech but in life. my current predicament is only further proof to case that has already been tried. i wish there were an excuse for it, that somehow the way i have lived my life so far was not my fault. that some divine course has been set for me and it says that i have to act this way and do these things and that would make it make sense. but i look at these words and these actions of mine and i wonder why? was it easier not to think about it, was that it? and i think it is. that the majority or the choices i have made were not so much choices as not wanting to think about it and either forcing the issue onto something else or letting the time clock tick down til the game was decided by default. and that is not smart. don't be like me kids. shining example of carelessness. and i wound up here. but if nothing else i own it, my saving grace is that at least i can say without hesitation that this fucked up little life is mine, i did this, all of it.