pudding

i don't have enough angry music, so we will have to settle for the sad music this time around. i used to feel a lot of firey feelings, a constant state of being if you will, but lately i feel as though there is ice in my veins and its sharp. and my thoughts fall either on deaf ears or are gifted to ears that are unwilling to hear the uncensored version of what must be said. but they can not remain unbiased, no, they raise hell. so for me there is not confession booth, no priest to give advice or tell me to do three hail marys and be on my way. i would rather hear the advice, and do the hail marys. my therapist, is interested in my past, but my current state of being seems to be of less concern. it is, but it isn't. as with most things. and i hear again and again, you did it to yourself. i know. but not a soul cares how i feel about it, can't talk to the family, my mother thinks i'm wrong, no talking to joe, he is in the fold. talked to isaac, got nothing, but god bless him for trying. god bless isaac. hell, while i'm doling out blessings fucking bless everyone, might as well. and the high point. and apple juice slushy. made my fucking night a couple hous ago. and i know that in a little while i will most likely be left alone in the apartment, sitting, wondering what the hell to do with myself. and doing a little battle as usual with my urges. sympathy, i don't want any of it, not an inch. and i did the the things that got me to be sitting here right now, and i wouldn't change a fucking thing. no regrets, not a single one. you live what you've done, make it yours, own it. what else could you do? and i got a lot of bad qualities as a person, i am selfish, ego maniac, crazy as fuck, thoughtless, lazy. but i aint shit. not shit. don't mean i aint worth a shit, just means that i could be worse, couldn't we all be worse than we are? i think we could. if you believe it, at one time i believe that i was a million times worse than i am now, yeah folks. this is an improvement. but stories of way not so far back when i really don't care to share. i don't care to share a lot of things, my fucked up list of abnormalities that built this little monument to pathos being one. but i let that out the other day to my therapist, felt great, til i got outside and realized that there were now more parties to the things i thought i would never say again. but i let that go, just don't think about it. and that helps most things, just not thinking about it. i open my mouth without thinking about it, i some how feel a sense of entitlement to let loose what ever happens to be on my mind, not the most honorable traits to be sure. but you live what you do. is it right? fuck no it ain't right, everyone that does the same thing knows that you with be chastised over and over again. don't think there are some things you cannot escape, people won't let you live with it. but you live with what you do. and as easily as i let some things go, others become an all consuming thought. these thoughts are bad, vile, self-doubting, self-loathing, really the things that wreck all of us from time to time. but they are in my head everyday, and their persistance is shocking. so this has been a chunk of nothing, when and if you read it, forget it. i rambled until my fingers felt like they would separate from my body if only to preserve their own welfare. there was no subject. there was no anything. and i feel that is the moral of the story kids, live with what you do, and quickly forget this.