pudding

so i feel like at this point in everything, and anyone who has any part of this everything know who you are, expect me to say something meaningful and worth a shit. i changed my profile picture (or will in some cases) and after much thought this picture is how i feel, like someone is about to hit me in the face. that is how i feel, getting a divorce, having virtually no friends, being flat fucking broke, and staring at the blank horizon that is forever makes you feel like you are about to be punched in the face. the liberating part of the whole mess is that you have nothing to lose, and that keeps me sane. because it sure as hell isn't the other shit. and they tell you to have hope, funny thing hope...sometimes it will kick you in the pants by not being there. and diassapointment, to me, kills like a skanking. just not a good way to go. i wished a lot of things when it came to the way things used to be, you know? there are too many to list and then i would sound like a whiny emo bitch. not that i hate all forms of emo, just 1 or 2. type 3 is fine. but at one point i had real high hopes for the past, but it has become exactly that, the past. and there aint no going back now. it is one of those draw a line in the sand and anyone who is not at your side misses the six-shooter and whiskey induced trip to mexico (and it aint the cancun part). and i know i'm using the word aint a lot, but i don't give a shit, so anyone who gets their knickers in a twist over grammar can suck my left nut. i am looking down the barrel of three days off which should just about kill of the rest of my brain cells with over-thought and vain attempts at insight. i just want to not claw at the counter at work, or better yet maybe i do want to do that, but i wish it were for a different reason . i love the things i do, and the way i freak out somethimes, and the way energy will just come over me like a tidal wave and i can't be kept out of shit. and i can't be denied, thats really when i get what i want, when i can't be denied. i'm not dangerous, but a couple notches down. the way i get to feeling at times is just retarded, and i wish all of you could feel it, i wish that feeling on all of you. you should have it. not that it would make you understand the whole picture for me, but it would let you into its more seductive and fun qualities, and you can't beat that shit with a stick. i know that no one get a fucking thing out of reading this, i get it, trust me but i call the whole mess like i see it. and it most be the most cryptic puzzle or right in front of your nose like it is for some (don't lie, it is /was). but sometimes i can't help myself, and just need to rip myself apart. so the lines have been drawn, who is up for mexico?