If i can make it till tuesday. Maybe i can talk them into supervised visits when the social worker is over there. i don't think i'll get the whole thing droped. I don't wanna see my former girlfriend lose the most inportant thing in her world any more than i wanna see harm come to that child. But i'm not an abusive person. I've never once lashed out at that child, i've never once hit a girl. One time this dude who was dating my friend jen slapped her in the face. Me and 4 other guys kicked the hell out of him a week later. One time I broke a bottle of hinnie over a dudes head for blacking his gf's eye when I lived in chi town. All those incidents led me think i was some kind of vigilante.Delivering jusitce where the red tape got in the way. What kind of hero does something like I did to a child???? what kind monster leaves bruises on one of the best thigns to ever fall in my lap?
I ate for the first time today sense this whole thing happend. I get sleep in two hour incriments a night the other half is spent wallowing in self pity cursing myself for what i've done. I recanted the story at work yesterday after a couple hours. People we're in shock that i'd do such a thing. However there response was rather uplifting in the fact that there disbelife outweighted the rush of emotions to want to slap me up. IF my ex had girlfriend was smart she'd send a couple of guys over to place or to rough me up after work. I don't think i'd fight back. I'd just limp cause at this moment I feel like i desirve anything god can throw at me.
I feel genuine remorse for what I did. But even worse is i can't even be there to comfort Evey when the shit unfolds and all sorts of strangers ask her wierd questions and make her feel like she did something wrong. We both enjoyed each others company. At night when she used to get outta bed i'd hold her nd get her to stop crying before bed. I was good with her. I really really was. In fact i'd go as far to say i was great with her. I'd entertain her in mournings so her mom could sleep in. Never once did i hit her for anything. Never once in my life have i man handled her in anyway. We'd play with toys together. Go to the park. Let her swing into me with her feet cause it made her laugh. I'd make believe to eat her arm and the regurgitate it and attach it. I'd cuddle with her read books to her. God damn I miss her. I miss being able to think of myself as a worthwhile father. But that this point i'm not even a worthwhile humnbeing. Much less by any means a man.
Now because of inexperiance and my bad judgement and over all neglectful "parenting" i'm gonna lose the only two things i had going for me. Everyone has the tale of the one who got away. Mines just being rewritten as I type. I love that little girl like she was my own. And I still love her mom...(and yours too). I don't know what todo. All i know is I can't make things better and prove to everyone it'll never happen again if i'm not aloud near that little girl. How can you say your sorry to someone if your not aloud in proximatey to them? At that this point all i can do is hope. And after tuesday hopefully i'll get the city's permission to go ahead and try and patch things up and put them back to normal. But realistically i did a good job of sabataging any relationship i could have either of them the second i left those horrible bruises marks on her. I hope the people who read this are filled with loathing and disgust for me.
Children can't protect themselves. Children don't really have a form of responsiblity for there actions at that age its all instinic. Her instincts told her she couldn't sleep and she didn't really know she had done something wrong. What ever happens from here can't be as bad as the fact that i am 100% responsible for creating this situation.
"don't hope for the best...work for the best"
-Tim Thatcher
I ate for the first time today sense this whole thing happend. I get sleep in two hour incriments a night the other half is spent wallowing in self pity cursing myself for what i've done. I recanted the story at work yesterday after a couple hours. People we're in shock that i'd do such a thing. However there response was rather uplifting in the fact that there disbelife outweighted the rush of emotions to want to slap me up. IF my ex had girlfriend was smart she'd send a couple of guys over to place or to rough me up after work. I don't think i'd fight back. I'd just limp cause at this moment I feel like i desirve anything god can throw at me.
I feel genuine remorse for what I did. But even worse is i can't even be there to comfort Evey when the shit unfolds and all sorts of strangers ask her wierd questions and make her feel like she did something wrong. We both enjoyed each others company. At night when she used to get outta bed i'd hold her nd get her to stop crying before bed. I was good with her. I really really was. In fact i'd go as far to say i was great with her. I'd entertain her in mournings so her mom could sleep in. Never once did i hit her for anything. Never once in my life have i man handled her in anyway. We'd play with toys together. Go to the park. Let her swing into me with her feet cause it made her laugh. I'd make believe to eat her arm and the regurgitate it and attach it. I'd cuddle with her read books to her. God damn I miss her. I miss being able to think of myself as a worthwhile father. But that this point i'm not even a worthwhile humnbeing. Much less by any means a man.
Now because of inexperiance and my bad judgement and over all neglectful "parenting" i'm gonna lose the only two things i had going for me. Everyone has the tale of the one who got away. Mines just being rewritten as I type. I love that little girl like she was my own. And I still love her mom...(and yours too). I don't know what todo. All i know is I can't make things better and prove to everyone it'll never happen again if i'm not aloud near that little girl. How can you say your sorry to someone if your not aloud in proximatey to them? At that this point all i can do is hope. And after tuesday hopefully i'll get the city's permission to go ahead and try and patch things up and put them back to normal. But realistically i did a good job of sabataging any relationship i could have either of them the second i left those horrible bruises marks on her. I hope the people who read this are filled with loathing and disgust for me.
Children can't protect themselves. Children don't really have a form of responsiblity for there actions at that age its all instinic. Her instincts told her she couldn't sleep and she didn't really know she had done something wrong. What ever happens from here can't be as bad as the fact that i am 100% responsible for creating this situation.
"don't hope for the best...work for the best"
-Tim Thatcher