pubert

I am horrified at what i've done. I left bruises on a 2 and half year old girls bottom, severe horrifiying cringing bruises cause i am nothing more than a frightend little boy. All my life i've failed to see what others saw in me. Resently i've become aware that there are qulities there worth while. I saw it in the way I interacted with that little girl. I saw it in the way i made her mother laugh. But right now all i see is the fact i've tramatically scared a child for life. I've left a mother wounded and bleeding...and have thoughts of running away. When i say virgina i don't mean it, virgina is code word for much more selfish act than running away. NO matter what happens now I realize the importance of keeping my word. I promised her i would never put her through the pain of losing another. And when shit got tough all i could think about was braking that promise. No matter what happens from this point on i realize i'm still needed on this planet and monitary set backs aside, losing the one girl who sees potential in me, and missing out on the oppourtunity of watching that little girl grow isn't the end all be all of everything in this world( although it sure seems like it cause they are my world). I will alwys have there memories and that drive to be the man my father was with me (ass kickings aside). Even if she finds that her place is with another, even if she finds that i'm counter productive to that girls devlopment...i can not brake that one promise to her. NO matter where we stand at any point in time, losing another one to void of selfish despair and loathing will only prove to her one thing. My promises we're empty. So in effort to ensure keeping a place in her heart no matter how small or insignifignt i will get out of bed every mounring for as long as i can.

Hehh someone should hurray up and invent a time machine in the shape of a certain 80s sport car so i can take back 2 of the most painful moments in her life. I'll also go back and stop myself from buying smokes for my pals in 4th grade and getting caught. Oh and maybe warn myself that the cops are gonna nab your stash one cold autumn evening.