About mid June 2018, I was diagnosed with a malignant Parotid gland (the large saliva gland) on the right side of my throat.
After being poked n prodded and a vampyric amount of blood taken, subjected to tests, ultra sounds and CT scans and skin biopsies the medical professionals thus concluded that, it is isolated to the parotid gland only on the right side.
The 1/2 torso CT scan shows the my scull,brain,throat and chest are all clear (yes indeed they did see a brain).
There is no infiltration of the bone,muscle or lymph nodes.
4 random skin biopsies ( chosen at places to annoy me the most) have come back clear with no traces of malignant cells.
Prognosis is currently for a full recovery via surgery and then a dose of radiation.
I was advised many times by, medical staff... those who love me most, and a friend in pathology that there is absolutely 0% chance of getting any form of superpowers from the radiation.
After seeing a multitude of medical people
Dietician
Speech therapist
Radiologist
Oncologist
Dentist
Social worker
8 doctors ranging from my consulting Dr to her superiors to the chief of surgery and the highest ups of the ENT dept, the results were as follows.....
Larry the lump would still be removed surgically... Apparently the PET scan shows that it is not the parrotid gland but it's next to it so less risk to the facial nerve...
I also forgot the last guy to visit who said... "Hi.. I'm Dr so and so.... can I feel your lump?"
Kinda feel like he was just a guy with a lump fetish
But... before that.. Timmy tonsils are going to be removed, and I also get to enjoy a panendoscopy.
They believe that it is not related to Larry the Lump but could change the method of treatment.
So 2 days and an overnight in hospital after which time I get to enjoy opium sprinkles on icecream for 10 or so days. The results of which are a low risk of damage to the teeth, tongue, lips and change in voice... there was however a high risk of pain.
Even us non medical folks would think that after having my tonsils removed and 4x 10mm core samples taken from my throat just below the back of the tongue the chances of pain are about 100 fucking %.
Sometime in the 10 days following Timmy tonsils departure I'll have the 2nd procedure to say bye byes to Larry the lump. And just for good measure I'll be having my 50,000km service a year early and celebrate by having a camera on a pole stuck up my butt hole.
And just for being a valued customer, Metro South health are throwing in a free dental xray and teeth clean.