poppys26

I"m afraid I haven't had much to say lately. . .which is quite unusual since I have always enjoyed typing a bunch of malarky for people to read or really just for myself.

I suppose there must be a reason for this bizarre community.

I remember in 1995, my first year in college, I met a bizarre goth girl named Valeria or Valerie. She was typing at the computer and sending messages. I had never seen anything like that before. She told me it was a chatroom. Mojoski was its name. Her handle was Peaches. My handle changed a few times. Usually it was Sprite, like water sprite.

I made some friends and met people from my college. We had an interesting little group for a short time. Then that winter, during the holiday break, I met Poppy Z's Ghost. Well, that was the beginning of an exciting adventure for me. Why I still have his letters. They still smell like cigarettes, yellowed, and lipstick smudged. I could recognize his scrawl anywhere!

I also met Arjan or Goo was his handle. Those were interesting days! Goo was from the Netherlands. Ghost was from Manchester, England.

Well, I still write e-mails to this mysterious adventurer. He writes about his travels still. I have a nice collection of stamps tucked away under my bed.

Really, these days have been a bit dark for me. I've been reading Lord of the Rings. I enjoy the quest thoroughly. It keeps me locked away in this fantasy world I wish I could be a part of. My past is like a dream and my present has become to unreal, like a fog.

These days I wish I could see the future, so I could escape when I need to and make the right decisions. I'm moody. At work, I go through periods of energy and joy. Many times, I am upset by people, unorganization, changes, doubts, fears, I sometimes hate and love the people I work with.

I love Ken. He is my favorite. He is always kind and tells me the truth. He shares wisdom. He is the father, boss, and friend everyone wishes they had. He has become a real mentor for me. I have always looked for mentors, someone to look up to, someone I can trust. . .like a teacher, a close friend. I have no friends at the moment, but he is the closest to a friend that I have. We don't "hang out" but I wish we could have a pint of Guiness sometime. "Luck of the Irish," he says and "Lucky Charms." He's about my father's age. He has so much grace and humility. He is like a clown sometimes, his words are unexpected, he is as agile as an elf, and almost seems ageless.

I like John too. Nancy used to kid that I had taken him as a father. He reminded me very much like my own father. He drinks coffee like it's a security blanket. He always has to have a brown stained styrofoam cup around. He is taller than my father and has a Northern accent. His grandmother was Italian and boy can he cook! John loves The Lord of the Rings. Lately, we can talk about the book and the movie. We're very excited about the new LOR DVD collection. He has two sons. One son lives in Atlanta. His wife is Korean. I have seen her before and I'm apprehensive about meeting her. I've seen her before and she looks like a bit of a snob, like many Korean women I have met. (dreadful thing to say, I know). His other son is gay. So John and his wife are part of the parents for gay and lesbians group or something. He and his wife speak, march, and have parties at their house. I told him I'lll claim to be gay if he'll invite me to one of his parties.

Well, and there's Melissa. Melissa makes me nervous when I talk to her, as much as I would like to have a long conversation with her and spend time with her. Sometimes I feel my palms get damp and I turn red. I hate that. I react differently to everyone. Sometimes I'm indifferent, but many times, I'm thoroughly interested in people. I like it more when they are talkative.

The other day I had a breakthrough with one of my customers. Sometimes I feel so sure and comfortable around a person, like I know them and want to know them more. His name was Ed. He was a lawyer. We talked for what seemed like an hour. For some odd reason, I feel best around men, mostly older men and older women. I love older women, except Allen's friend Patty. I just don't feel right around her. I like Michelle very much too. She has a daughter my age. She sells tile.

Melissa is about my age and he is studying interior design. She's cute in a homely kind of way. She has long blonde hair, a round jolly face, and she seems sure of herself. She has a nurturing wholesomeness about her. She's not flighty, I don't think, but some of my co-workers think she's strange and wacky. I think she's cool. She's very feline, like a chubby cuddly cat, although she's not chubby. I still can't quite put a finger on her. When she goes on the intercom, she sounds seductive. She has a bit of a demure lisp and she seems sensual and flirty. She has a boyfriend named Zen. He is a tennis instructor from England. Melissa is the closest to my personality than anyone else that I've met lately. And we seem to get along. I suppose, because her description of her roommate sounds like me. She said that her roommate is a bit "out there." I suppose I'm a bit like that, "out there."

I tend to blurt out the strangest things. I"m unpredictable. I've been called, sweet, cute, bitchy, moody, a firecracker, who knows what else. People either like me or they don't. I suppose my unpredictability, depressive moods, ecstaticism, peculiar behavior, obsessions, competitiveness, perfectionism, flightiness, awkwardness, shyness, all contribute to why I find it hard to keep friends, unless they can tolerate these aspects about me. I think Allen is like that too.

Lately, I've been antisocial and just plain bizarre. I hate these states of unpredictability, stagnation, and I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

Maybe I need to write more. I need to release these demons somehow. I long to touch clay, mold it, scratch it with my nails, taste the earth on my tongue, squeeze it and shape it. I wish I had a potter's wheel and big slab of clay. I would love to learn how to make busts of people.

That's enough for now