pokes

When I was younger I used to ask ppl whether they'd trade in all their memories and start life over provided they could be the ruler of the earth the next time around. Ruler might not be the best word. King would be more fitting because, as a child, you have this innocent conception of some omnipotent, care-free being of luxury, extravagance, and comfort when imagining a ruler so, needless to say, a child never contemplates the duties or responsibilities of an emperor or monarch. That they didn't see the flaw in taking me up on my 'what if' merely due to their wild imaginations reveling in my new suggested fantasy. It was in this naive regard that my peers would answer, for the most part, yes they would make the trade. Smartass that I was, I would inform them of the inherent foolishness of thier decision, in that, true might it be that they became king, they were no longer themselves and were erased from the world in effect. Granted, this was often of little consequence to them as they envisioned their kingdom optimistically. None the less, they no longer existed in our little hypothetical universe and though their bodies might grow up to inherit the world, their identities and consciousness were dead, therefore so too were they dead. This was when I was young and had everything to live for, my whole life ahead of me, and potential to spare.
Some people claim they don't have regrets, that everything they've experienced, both good and bad, has taught them and shaped who they are and that they wouldn't change a thing. I believe everyone has regrets, some of us have more than our share but, none the less, we all have things we wish we had or hadn't done and things we wish we could go back and change.
I have wronged family, neglected friends, broken hearts, been false to myself, bitten the hand that fed me, burned bridges, and worse. I've sat by idley, as though from a third-person perspective, as I defiled my honor, broke my word and ultimately, squandered my potential. I can look in the mirror but I no longer love who i see.
Presently, when I allow my mind to drift off to the land of 'what if', I find myself filled with regret and remorse to such an extent that I wonder if I wouldn't, if somehow given the chance, take it all back and start over fresh. I doubt the temptation of being some all-powerful entity would be neccesary to coax me into saying yes to the possibility of starting anew. Though I don't doubt that if I were to wake up tomorrow as a child with no formed intellect, I would be given a clean slate, I know fullwell it would be at the expense of who I am and that in effect I, my consciousness and mind, would be gone. Sadly, even so, I would be for it, blissfully ignorant. It's not that I want to relive my childhood, which I do and largely regard as the golden years of my life, but simply that I doubt I could choose the wrong path as instinctively as I've seemed to thus far again.
There's no greater dissapointment then letting yourself down...hopefully there's, in turn, no greater fullfilment then picking oneself up again. Or so I can only hope. And though it might seem insignificant, compared to the grief and guilt I feel, presently, hope is all I have. It's not what I'm left with that bothers me, it's what I might have been had I played my cards right that eats me up inside. Though my hubris, my pride, my innocence and my ignorance dug this hole for me, it'll be my humility and sensibility which get me out.