pb

took a new pic tonight, its in my pics section.

also signed up for a year contract at the local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu academy. its been about a year and a half since i've done any hardcore getting my ass kicked and vice versa. when i was really into it a few years back i felt lean, hungry, and a little crazy. its hard to put it in words, that feeling. the only thing thats ever come close to how i felt training in judo was the protagonist's narration from Fight Club.

i've been feeling like such a pussy lately. limbs stiff, pain threshold low, stress way too high. i'm sometimes embarressed to shake hands with another man because i feel my hands are too soft. i feel vulnerable in a crowd. i feel like a sheep ready for the slaughter. i did this because i'm getting too weak, fat, restless, hopeless, lazy, fatigued and stressed out lately.

i can remember when i was going hard at it in judo a few years back. i was healthier, happier, more in control, and (just like Fight Club) everything had the volume turned down a little because i was always going home sore, bloody, and blissfully tired from judo class.

there's a lot to be said about the primal feel of getting the shit kicked out of you and crawling to your feet again for more. i've missed the smell of sweat, the thud of bodies slamming the mats, the sweet pain of tweaked joints and scraped skin. i missed taking a shower after class, watching the blood flow from my nose, down my chest, and into the drain. its a strangely liberating feeling, this.

i can't wait to get in there and get tied up in knots.

i accidently gave away my gi, so i'll have to go buy one. i start tomorrow.

i'll be sure and take pics of the bloody for zephyra.


-pb