pax_

Today, I am haunted. Thoughts and ideas keep swirling around in my head like restless ghosts.

I want to travel. I want to be free and untamed, untied down by responsibility. I'm tired of living life in a box, just to go to another box to do unimportant tasks, so I can afford to go back to the first box and wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

I want to be fascinated. I want to be surrounded by things that are lovely, that make me think and leave me in awe of how wonderful everything is. I love what cities have to offer, but I miss nature. I miss getting lost and the child-like wonder of seeing the first fireflies in the night. I miss stars. Uncultivated trees. Trees that have been growing forever and will never be moved.

I want passion. I want to feel the touch of a hand, just for the sake of a touch. Just because I am there and something in that moment made the hand stretch forth just to make sure that I was real. I want to hold hands and actually feel a continuous grip on my hand. I want to be adored. Cherished. I want to feel fingertips dig into my hips and kisses dusted down my spine, simply because I'm there.

I want to be understood. To be able to say a word, a sentence; and not have to explain all the thought processes that lead up to that moment. I want to be able to be spontaneous without explanation. To look at the people around me and know that they get it.

I feel invisible. I speak and am heard, but not understood. I stand, and am unnoticed. As I walk towards the door, I am called back, but only out of a sense of comfort, not need. My job is to validate others existence. Why is validation so important? Why can't we just be?

I feel numb. Nothing inspires. I lose myself in the worlds of others and slowly feel myself draining away. I am suffocating under the bourgeois sense of entitlement that surrounds me.

And yet, I feel guilt at feeling entitled to something better than this. What makes me better than anyone else? Why should I be guilty about wanting to have better experiences? But at the same time why should I be allowed them? Who decides?

Society programs the shit out of people from the moment you can think and remember. I am bombarded by societal expectations. Which path should I choose? Which is right? Is it right or wrong to be utterly selfish? Why does it feel wrong to want to experience things that make me happy? Why should I be guilty? I have to live in my head, not anyone else. Why should I sacrifice my right to be happy for the sake of someone else? Then again, where do I get the gall to decide that I have a right to be happy in the first place?

I feel as if all of these thoughts are just pulling me down inside of a whirlpool. Why is it so hard to just be?