papillonvalhala

The military health care referal system is so frustrating .
First of all, I don't know if I really trust psychiactric professionals. I don't understand how you can help someone with a problem if you haven't dealt with and recovered from it yourself. I guess I've always thought that I could fix all of my problems myself without medication and counseling, but due to events that have transpired recently, I feel I'm at the point where some outside guidance couldn't hurt.
This summer was one of the most difficult times of my life. First, my husband was deployed to Iraq and I was left alone with our son, who was 18 months old at the time. I know all military wives deal with this at some point or another, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I was also working 50+ hours a week. Then, the hardest blow of all - my 15 year old brother was killed in July. It was completely devastating. Of all the people I knew, he was the last person I would have thought anything like this would ever happen to. He was so happy and healthy and I had just talked to him on the phone less than a week before he died. I quit my job and moved in with my Dad to look after him, since he was the one who found my brother. In my family, I've always been the listener. When someone is feeling down about something I'm always the one they go to for advice and comforting. The only person I've really been able to talk to was my husband and only for a short time, but then I didn't feel comfortable to talking to anyone about it at all.
I know that I've changed in a big way since I've lost Billy. I've always been a pacifist, but lately I get angry and frustrated easily and I tend to take it out on other people. I think the point that made me realize that I needed to seek help was when I lashed out at a clerk at the movie theatre for asking for my I.D.. I made the poor girl cry and my husband and my friends told me that they thought I was going to reach over the counter and hit her. In my mind I didn't see my reaction as badly as it had occured. After the movie, I went to go apologize to the girl, but she wasn't there. I'm not sure if her shift had ended or if she went home because she was so upset. I feel horrible about what I did and wish I could see her again and offer her an apology. It is not like me to act this way.
I was able to schedule an appointment with my military health provider with no problem. He prescribed some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills on the condition that I see a psychologist, just to get an idea of how serious my problem is, and then they'll decide from there if I need to see a psychiatrist. Well, I was supposed to call my military health insurance provider to find a psychologist in my area that is covered by my insurance plan. They named off a few providers and I called them, but they all worked at the hospital and weren't able to treat my problem. I called back and they gave me alist of about 10 more names. Well, it turns out their system is horribly out of date because half of the numbers I called didn't have a psychologist working there or the provider they had listed no longer worked there and they didn't accept my insurance. After calling around I finally found a provider I was able to set up an appointment with, after a month of trying.
The big problem now is that my prescriptions ran out a few days ago and I can't get a refill untill I've had at least a few sessions with a psychologist. My biggest fears about taking anti-depressant have been realized. I didn't notice a huge difference while I was taking them, but since I've come off of them I've constantly felt light headed and dizzy. I have extremely vivid dreams and I find it hard to wake up from the dreams and they stick in my mind all day. Like I have dreams about my brother when he was little and I was in high school(how I remember him most), where he is playing and having a good time and I am watching over him, but I know what happens to him, so I am crying. He looks up at me and asks me "Why are you crying?" and I tell him to just go play and to never get any older. It's so hard to forget these dreams, especially when they seem so real. It seems like being off the meds is making me 10 times more depressed. Or maybe just making me realize how bad the depression has gotten, where before, i was in denial.
Anyway, I'm sorry this blog is such a downer. Funny, I originally started this blog just to complain about the shitty health care system. I'm not always such a negative person, I'm just feeling kind of sad right now. I am, however, excited to start therapy. Even though I was against the idea for a long time, I'm looking forward to a change. I know there won't be much of a change at first and I know I'm the one who has to help myself, but I'm looking forward to moving on with the rest of my life. I'm curious though, is it weird that the therapist I'm going to see works from her home? It doesn't bother me too much, i just always thought they worked out of an office. I don't know if this is uncommon, since I've never talked to a therapist before. Maybe she does it to make her patients feel more at ease? Anyway, I'm excited to see how it goes.

This is dedicated to William Thomas Parker and anyone who's ever lost someone they love. I'll raise a pint of Guinness to you. Cheers!