:):):)I am right where i was when i chose to isolate myself. Reading a chapter of the bible everyday. The best weed to partake in. Beautiful women to admire. Comfortable home to live in. Good job to work. Seems legit right? for me, in that past, this has always been the start of my failure. the more "successful" i become, the less i want it or care about it. for it is just material things that this "success" is suppose to achieve. money, car, house. i have had all of those things. they never meant anything to me. i have always had no one to be responsible for. i am still alone and happy with that. so what am i doing this for? i need to find some direction and fairly soon, because that will be the game changer. if i can gain a direction to move towards, because i have never done that before, then i will increase my odds of permanent success.
Every single thing that i have written on SG, i have been thinking about all my life, literally ever since i can remember, and i can remember being 5 years old, sitting in class, imagining kissing the girl next to me, so i banged my head on the desk repeatedly, until i broke the desk. lol i remember a bunch of other stuff too but that is my earliest memory. much of the subjects i have written about here, are on my facebook too. written over decades. before facebook i had myspace. same stuff written there too. however, the writings i posted here on SG are the most comprehensible i have EVER written. So during this time of isolation i have comprehensively organized the best thoughts i have. Thus achieving something i have always wanted to do, mental clarity.
now then...
physically, how do i find direction when i have been choosing to remain lost for most of my life. i even took self gratification off the table, for i do not have sexual relations of any kind with anyone, including myself. come to think of it, i have even stopped having sexual relations in my mind. so really, what is there, i have taken many of the common conceptions of what to "live for", out of my life and out of my mentality. so now i am here, where there is no one to learn from. the actions i need to take, working, gaining material things, being reasonably responsible, these things are easy, i can do all of those physical things on autopilot, i need a course, a heading, a challenge...
emotionally, i need to achieve emotional clarity amongst gaining a comfortable physical life for myself. mentally i will put forth energy toward that goal. yet again, i am in a place where there is no one to learn from, no example i have been shown, no direction as to how to achieve this. however, i will pursue it, for i am curious:):):)