this is some stream of thought writing i did today. if you ahve the patience enough to read thru, awesome...advise?
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he said something that my my heart leap into my throat, and i'm still not sure if it was in fear of what he had said or hope. hope he had ment it as it sounded, fear of that same thing.
"i don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons."
falling in love with me
with me
love.
that word that fills me with terror and longing and pain, and joy all at the same time. the word alone makes my skin tighten into goosebumps. fear. hope. but then today he avoided kissing me when we embraced, and i'm not sure if thats true or it i'm just tense and sensitive. love....or perhaps he was being evasive because he's still sick and he doesn't want me to catch his germs, or it could have been that he was having one of his moody distant days (i've noticed he does that), or perhaps he was scared that he'd said too much the night before, maybe my blank stare was misinterpretted as me not liking what i was hearing, when really i was only trying to process it all. maybe he fears i don't feel the same. maybe he never meant it at all...and wouldn't that be typical of a guy i was dating? say what she wants to hear to avoid seeing her cry then push her away. sweep her under the rug and run?
love...
hope, fear.
and GOD how that pricking sensation was nagging me in the corners of my eyes as he spoke.
"its not that i want to break up with you. not that we were really together anyways, i just don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know?"
maybe thats it. why he only gave me a quick hug today. maybe he gave us the axe? i mean, according to him, we weren't really together anyways. i've been exclusive, maybe he has not? maybe i read this all wrong? maybe he was, but now he's bored. are we just friends now? is that all we ever really were? were our brief moments of passion only just him getting off? should i not have taken our one time sex as anything more than just face value? drunk sex made exciting by the danger of getting caught. can we finish before our friends come back? (we couldn't)
"i don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know? like, i don't want to fall in love with you just because i wake up next to you most mornings."
fear.
but then my mind wanders to the time he made me cry (it's just my allergies) when he picked up his guitar and sang the song he's writing about me. inspired by our meeting. no one has ever written a song about me. well, not liek that anyways. and then i think, no it can't be that. he's not that cold. i mean how about those silly tickle wars? or that fucking cute little pout he puts on when i'm not sitting close enough on the couch. or how when he wakes up before me he pulls me into the middle of the bed and tucks me in?
how can a guy like that be so heartless as to lie to my face like that? he can't right? i'm just paranoid. this man won't even let me get in the car untill he opens my door for me. i usually lean over and push open his door a little for him to sort of "return the favor" so to speak, but the gesture always seems lame and half-assed and weak. my ears burn a little everytime i do it. sometimes i find something to fiddle with to avoid leaning over and pushing out that door. saving myself te embarassment of my unsatisfactory return favor.
i guess the fact of the matter is i'm scared. scared he doesn't mean it the way i want him to.
"i love you a lot, its not that i want to break up with you. not that we were really together anyways, i just don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know? like, i don't want to fall in love with you just because i wake up next to you most mornings."
these past few mornings (okay, its been like, a week) i've woken up alone and i feel that void next to me. its not liek he's the first thing i tihnk about when i wake up in the morning, but he is about second or third. am i falling in love with him? i mean, i know what i feel for him is strong. but i'm not sure i could call it...love...per say. i mean when i think about him or spend time with him i feel something just below the surface. some feeling i can't identify. almost like forboding. but not really in a bad way. it gives me butterflies or makes me incredably aware of the fact that my heart is in my chest.
i just want a yes or a no. a "i like you" or a "no thanks" i want to be held, cared for. i want someone to share things with.
i want to NOT have to walk away from this.
******************
he said something that my my heart leap into my throat, and i'm still not sure if it was in fear of what he had said or hope. hope he had ment it as it sounded, fear of that same thing.
"i don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons."
falling in love with me
with me
love.
that word that fills me with terror and longing and pain, and joy all at the same time. the word alone makes my skin tighten into goosebumps. fear. hope. but then today he avoided kissing me when we embraced, and i'm not sure if thats true or it i'm just tense and sensitive. love....or perhaps he was being evasive because he's still sick and he doesn't want me to catch his germs, or it could have been that he was having one of his moody distant days (i've noticed he does that), or perhaps he was scared that he'd said too much the night before, maybe my blank stare was misinterpretted as me not liking what i was hearing, when really i was only trying to process it all. maybe he fears i don't feel the same. maybe he never meant it at all...and wouldn't that be typical of a guy i was dating? say what she wants to hear to avoid seeing her cry then push her away. sweep her under the rug and run?
love...
hope, fear.
and GOD how that pricking sensation was nagging me in the corners of my eyes as he spoke.
"its not that i want to break up with you. not that we were really together anyways, i just don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know?"
maybe thats it. why he only gave me a quick hug today. maybe he gave us the axe? i mean, according to him, we weren't really together anyways. i've been exclusive, maybe he has not? maybe i read this all wrong? maybe he was, but now he's bored. are we just friends now? is that all we ever really were? were our brief moments of passion only just him getting off? should i not have taken our one time sex as anything more than just face value? drunk sex made exciting by the danger of getting caught. can we finish before our friends come back? (we couldn't)
"i don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know? like, i don't want to fall in love with you just because i wake up next to you most mornings."
fear.
but then my mind wanders to the time he made me cry (it's just my allergies) when he picked up his guitar and sang the song he's writing about me. inspired by our meeting. no one has ever written a song about me. well, not liek that anyways. and then i think, no it can't be that. he's not that cold. i mean how about those silly tickle wars? or that fucking cute little pout he puts on when i'm not sitting close enough on the couch. or how when he wakes up before me he pulls me into the middle of the bed and tucks me in?
how can a guy like that be so heartless as to lie to my face like that? he can't right? i'm just paranoid. this man won't even let me get in the car untill he opens my door for me. i usually lean over and push open his door a little for him to sort of "return the favor" so to speak, but the gesture always seems lame and half-assed and weak. my ears burn a little everytime i do it. sometimes i find something to fiddle with to avoid leaning over and pushing out that door. saving myself te embarassment of my unsatisfactory return favor.
i guess the fact of the matter is i'm scared. scared he doesn't mean it the way i want him to.
"i love you a lot, its not that i want to break up with you. not that we were really together anyways, i just don't want to be falling in love with you for the wrong reasons...you know? like, i don't want to fall in love with you just because i wake up next to you most mornings."
these past few mornings (okay, its been like, a week) i've woken up alone and i feel that void next to me. its not liek he's the first thing i tihnk about when i wake up in the morning, but he is about second or third. am i falling in love with him? i mean, i know what i feel for him is strong. but i'm not sure i could call it...love...per say. i mean when i think about him or spend time with him i feel something just below the surface. some feeling i can't identify. almost like forboding. but not really in a bad way. it gives me butterflies or makes me incredably aware of the fact that my heart is in my chest.
i just want a yes or a no. a "i like you" or a "no thanks" i want to be held, cared for. i want someone to share things with.
i want to NOT have to walk away from this.