optimistickid

Um. I need to meditate more. Every time I meditate I feel good. And since I feel good, I don't feel the need to meditate as much anymore. So I slack off and then eventually I start to feel not as good. So then finally I meditate again. It's a vicious cycle! I should meditate constantly so this way I avoid the feeling not so good part!

I think I just realized this week how much I hate my looks. I don't totally hate how I look, but certain things I truly find very hideous and I get very upset sometimes. To be specific, I have some beauty marks that turned into moles. I hate saying that. It's embarassing. I hate that fucking word. Honestly I feel like I can never be happy with myself unless I get them removed. That is a horrible thought. I am scared to get work done, because what if it comes out worse than it was to begin with. And also it will cost me a lot of money I bet. I know that as long as I don't love myself, or rather 'accept' myself, that I will never find somebody who loves me. And believe me, I know that I SHOULD try to accept myself the way that I am, but that is just not going to happen because I feel so fucking ugly. Ya know it's funny... I never thought that I was good looking before, but it wasn't until now that I realized how much I hate the way I look. Maybe somebody reading this will think I am very vain, but how can you be vain if you hate the way you look? At this rate I will never find love because I myself would not want to be with somebody who has the same physical deformity that i have. I know, I'm pathetic...

Um, I just realized that in the first paragraph I said I need to meditate more, then in the second paragraph I basically said that I would not accept myself the way that I am. Um. Yeah, those two things are kind of at odds with eachother. I know. I have serious problems...

I will get some sleep now. Wish for me, that I get better. Thanks.