oneirogen

Still pretty fucking wrecked from vacation. Shattered I believe would be the correct word. A lot of shit to deal with. My head is spinning pretty fast with all of it. Lots to figure out. Realizations can be a motherfucker.
They say that hindsight is 20/20 but I think hindsight is just another way life kicks you in the nuts.
I have at least 6...
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So vacation left me totally fucking wrecked. And by wrecked I mean emotionally. That trip stirred up a lot of shit I needed to deal with but didn't want to deal with. Vacations aren't supposed to do that, they are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. I am sick of thinking about it all, shit has been eating me alive.

Back at work,...
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Macedonia for the night, then Germany and/or other parts of Europe for 2 weeks. Fucking A sweet. I need this break as I am burnt.

school work turned in-check
bags packed-check
plane ticket-check
money-check
rubbers-check
willingness to consume mass quantities of booze-check

6 months with only a handful of days off, lots of hours worked and dealing with a shitty "country" and shitty people. Civilization...
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Procrastination at its finest. I love myself when I do this. I have known full well that I had this work to do but I have done almost none of it. I go on vacation after work Monday and the papers are due that day. 2 major papers and I have done next to nothing. Excellence on my part.

PJ Harvery-Is This Desire going right...
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Vacation out of Kosovo and into Germany in t -9 days. Can't fucking wait.
This contract sucks serious balls, money is good, but that is it. Plus I hate the fact that I am selling myself out because of cash. But this will set me up to do what I want, so fuck it. I can hate myself later.

Currently re-watching Buffy Season 5. What...
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Blah, blah, blah, life sucks, blah, blah, blah, unhappy, blah, blah, blah, hate my job, blah, blah, blah, bitch and moan.
Seeing a theme in my journals, but when hope is gone, not much else to say.
Vacation in 12 days, I can't fucking wait. It has been 6 years since I was in Germany and I am very excited about going back. A 2...
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Life tends to be just one kick in the nuts after another. Fucking hate life so damn much sometimes. So few things ever work out.
I got to be Charlie Brown and Lucy held the football for me, now I am flat on my back and hurting wondering what the fuck happened.
So my thinking "hope is gone" over and over the past 2 weeks...
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Feeling of impending doom. Just feels like it will all end badly. Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. The one thing I really had hope and faith in, the one thing I thought would pull through in this fucked life.
What a kick in the nuts. But, it still isn't final, but all the feelings I have are bad, all the signs point...
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Hope is gone.
Very sobering when you have one perception and the other has a different perception. My heart and stomach siezed up and I was speechless. Now I can't stop laughing, not a happy laugh, a sad and scary laugh. But it is clarity and clarity sucks. Hope is gone.

Working 159.5 hours these past 2 weeks, with a day off, isn't helping matters....
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These fucking shifts are killing me. There is just not enough time, 2 1/2 weeks left of them. Tired as fuck. The only good thing is I am able to do a fair amount of reading on shift, the nights are long and slow.

Just feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now. Not a fucking clue of what I am going to do.

I have...
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