oneirogen

Work has been not so bad lately. Some bullshit, problems, but not eating me alive like it was. I guess it will come in waves.
Going home on vacation for 12 days in October. Reserved my ticket today. First time home in 2 years. I have barely even talked to anyone from home in that time. It will be very strange. I still haven't told most everyone that I don't plan on living there ever again and that I plan on living in Europe and/or contracting for a while. It will be a strange visit.
I always have this longing for home (Pittsburgh) but when I live there I fucking hate it. I have so many bad memories/times there. Some good ones also but a lot of pain is held in that city. Let the past go but it is hard to just forget that shit. Plus that city is dying a slow death.
I got an "A" in Research and Statistics class. I don't know how I did that and I don't really know what I learned. I now have 3 classes left, one I am in right now. Shit. November and I am fucking done. Shit.

"That's right, he began to think, and I must explain to you, my friend, that in those days thinking was a painful inconvenience and a troubling deformityWhy should they waste the time that ought to be devoted to the cause of development, why should they disturb their internal peace and stuff their heads with all sorts of disloyal ideas? Nothing decent or comforting could result if someone decided to think restlessly and provocatively or mingle with those who were thinkingThose who surveyed the Empire and pondered their surroundings walked sadly and lost in thought, their eyes full of troubled pensiveness, as if they had a presentiment of something vague and unspeakable.
The unthinking ones were wiser; they didn't let themselves get taken in...What's the use of knowing, when it's better not to know? Why do it the hard way, when it can be easy? Why talk, if you're better off keeping your mouth shut? Why get mixed up in the affairs of the Empire, when there's so much closer to home, when there's shopping to be done?
Why don't you give up thinking? It doesn't get you anywhere. Forget it. Fool around instead. Look at other people, those who listen to the wise-how cheerfully they walk around, laugh. No clouds over their foreheads. They devote themselves to the good life, and if they worry about anything it's about how to fill their pockets"
Ryszard Kapuscinski "The Emperor"

Obsession
To sow seeds in barren fields
When there's no more fertile ground
To bear the fragile worlds within
Through the ruined one that surrounds
Break the shackles of my past
Give me precious things that do not last
(and succor for the homeless ones bring fire down on Babylon)
Heal and destroy
Lift me up
Bring it down
And we may suffer
And we must die
And we may suffer
And we may die
Come weary child:
You've touched the
stars but you did not move them
Now it's time to cut out your heart
And be a god in the kingdom of the dead
Or to raise your face
And make them move.
And we may suffer
And you may die
Yes, you will suffer
And you're going to die
So sing now:
I'll be your eyes if you won't see,
I'll be your heart if you can't feel
Now we'll see who burns the brightest
The brightest of them all
Send me their sons and prodigal daughters
Render up to me their lost and stray
Give lust and life to our dances, flight to our fancies
Give me courage for my passions and my pain
And this will be my art: to feel alive
Break my heart (to feel alive)
Sell my body or my soul (to feel alive)
Spite their laws (to feel alive)
Fight the odds (to feel alive)
Smite the gods (to feel alive)
Starve myself (to feel alive)
Freeze myself (to feel alive)
Burn myself (to feel alive)
Kill myself (to feel alive)
Kill myself
To feel... Nail me to you
I will ride you like a nightmare
I will drive you past all love or pain or fear
I will escort you to the end
Take me inside you
I'll be the master in your mirror
I will drive you until everything else disappears
I'll be with you to the end
Everything you want to feel
Everything you want to taste