oneirogen

Fuck. I guess I have much to say. Kind of in a holding pattern. Waiting on a part for my bike so I can ride again, shoulder is healing, been running. It is hot as balls here. Running in the middle of the afternoon at the hottest part of the day is glorious suffering.
Things are pretty fucking boring right now. Good. I need a...
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Stil a mess from vacation, though it is getting easier to deal with for now. Still a lot of issues to face and deal with. This is not even close to being over. Don't think all this will end until around the new year.
So 250 Polish and 150 Ukranians are moving onto our camp and taking our rooms. We have to move to the...
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Still pretty fucking wrecked from vacation. Shattered I believe would be the correct word. A lot of shit to deal with. My head is spinning pretty fast with all of it. Lots to figure out. Realizations can be a motherfucker.
They say that hindsight is 20/20 but I think hindsight is just another way life kicks you in the nuts.
I have at least 6...
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So vacation left me totally fucking wrecked. And by wrecked I mean emotionally. That trip stirred up a lot of shit I needed to deal with but didn't want to deal with. Vacations aren't supposed to do that, they are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. I am sick of thinking about it all, shit has been eating me alive.

Back at work,...
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Macedonia for the night, then Germany and/or other parts of Europe for 2 weeks. Fucking A sweet. I need this break as I am burnt.

school work turned in-check
bags packed-check
plane ticket-check
money-check
rubbers-check
willingness to consume mass quantities of booze-check

6 months with only a handful of days off, lots of hours worked and dealing with a shitty "country" and shitty people. Civilization...
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Procrastination at its finest. I love myself when I do this. I have known full well that I had this work to do but I have done almost none of it. I go on vacation after work Monday and the papers are due that day. 2 major papers and I have done next to nothing. Excellence on my part.

PJ Harvery-Is This Desire going right...
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Vacation out of Kosovo and into Germany in t -9 days. Can't fucking wait.
This contract sucks serious balls, money is good, but that is it. Plus I hate the fact that I am selling myself out because of cash. But this will set me up to do what I want, so fuck it. I can hate myself later.

Currently re-watching Buffy Season 5. What...
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Blah, blah, blah, life sucks, blah, blah, blah, unhappy, blah, blah, blah, hate my job, blah, blah, blah, bitch and moan.
Seeing a theme in my journals, but when hope is gone, not much else to say.
Vacation in 12 days, I can't fucking wait. It has been 6 years since I was in Germany and I am very excited about going back. A 2...
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Life tends to be just one kick in the nuts after another. Fucking hate life so damn much sometimes. So few things ever work out.
I got to be Charlie Brown and Lucy held the football for me, now I am flat on my back and hurting wondering what the fuck happened.
So my thinking "hope is gone" over and over the past 2 weeks...
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Feeling of impending doom. Just feels like it will all end badly. Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. The one thing I really had hope and faith in, the one thing I thought would pull through in this fucked life.
What a kick in the nuts. But, it still isn't final, but all the feelings I have are bad, all the signs point...
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Hope is gone.
Very sobering when you have one perception and the other has a different perception. My heart and stomach siezed up and I was speechless. Now I can't stop laughing, not a happy laugh, a sad and scary laugh. But it is clarity and clarity sucks. Hope is gone.

Working 159.5 hours these past 2 weeks, with a day off, isn't helping matters....
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These fucking shifts are killing me. There is just not enough time, 2 1/2 weeks left of them. Tired as fuck. The only good thing is I am able to do a fair amount of reading on shift, the nights are long and slow.

Just feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now. Not a fucking clue of what I am going to do.

I have...
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