ona

I've been plagued with things to do and lacked the motivation to do them. Yesterday I relaxed and tried to get focused, and today for the first time in months I actually FEEL focused. I've been doing homework for most of the day and in general have just felt pretty good, minus the scratchiness in my throat. I'd rather feel some physical illness over potential psychosis, though.

Yea, I have no choice but to get serious. I've got to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks and make some decisions on antidepressants and things of that nature. For the first time in my life, I've actually told a doctor everything, and in short, I think she thinks i'm insane. I met with her monday, she's called twice to check on me. I guess doctors don't get honesty very often. I can't party anymore though, if I go on wellbutrin, and though the untouched libido and the weight loss are a bonus, I hate that I have to change my ways to make myself better. It's funny though, because in essence, that's what people have to do. I've never gotten that far in making myself feel better though.

I just feel rediculous because I don't know how well people will react to this. Most of my friends have known me for a good part of my life and have seen me party through the worst of everything, and see it as my way of coping. I know now though that it is just no good for me, but I am so afraid I will lose the people I love... so afraid the friends that have stood by me will walk away, or even worse, have nothing left in common. I'm afraid to show a weak side of me that has no excuse. I've always had an excuse for failing school or not doing things properly, and now i'm taking care of my excuse and it's all about the follow through.

A big issue between my boyfriend and I has been the fact that I am incapable at times to follow through with things; it's gotten to the point where he is the only person in my life that has called me out and it scares the junk out of me. He is such a sweet and caring person, and I am afraid I will lose him and it will be my fault. My fault because I couldn't better myself. It's not even like it's for him, he just tells me because he loves me and wants me to feel better and do better, but that's the most gutwrenching part of it all... I could be the reason for the loss of my love. I believe he is an exeptional man and this would be possibly the worst loss of my life; even if we end up breaking up for some reason i'd need him as a friend, he is so fantastic.