oh_me_ghost

Anybody with a bit of femme in their body or mind is suddenly a miracle to me. Im too easily overwhelmed by people, especially the ones that are strange. I need to focus.on realness. Too much Anais Nin is good, but its too much, and I need to get unstuck. I will become political. To say something deragotory about America is to be instantly an asshole if one says it on tv. And instantly right if one says it in the company of friends. I think compared to Rome, America is better. And compared to hut life in the arabian desert in summer, America is just fine. I like my new place. I just dont like male American energy as it currently exists in America on Tuesday the 17th of June. It seems to be interested in ignoring what it isnt, so that it can more effectively position itself as better than whatever is going on its immediate field of vision. It is better. If better means a lucid self-supporting egotism. If better means I am the king and you are my peasents. But better doesnt mean anything to me other than egotism, which I have a bit of, like everyone in America must if theyre going to survive here for a second. But no. I dont have much egotism. I dont think Im great in my life. I much more interested in being observant of greatness in others. I do this because it makes me happy. I like to glance at a person that is not immediately interesting and to try to perceive why they are fantastic. This makes me less inclined to be upset. By feeling like Im surrounded by miracles that shock me they are so intrinsically truthful and honest, and that they cannot stop themselves from being so, I become satisfied. I become not angry over nothing. I become interested in living. I become more inclined to stay within me, and to not become others. Holding onto me is tricky. It is a goddamned difficult activity. So I like to people watch. And to try to be non-judgemental, strategically. Im sometimes walking around in a state of relative joy. Not feeling torn. Just experiencing being around. This is new. Im not buzzing with resentments at petty occurences that make no difference. And I have less interest in screamers that are suddenly irritated and spitting out reasons why they hate this or else why the sky is falling down. People scream like infants when they find the world is not the way they want it. And they do it in groups; its like a 24 hour orgy of angst thats masquerading itself as discourse. Being an adult involves being responsible but they hear the word only, not its meaning, which theyve never learned. They think it means doing what ought to be done, or doing what is boring. No. It means taking the initiative to do what you want to be done. I am numb from the books. Too much Anais. Shes meditation. In summary, too many people waste their energy on hating instead of focusing on what they want and actively enjoying themselves as they make it happen. Hating can be a good and necessary thing. However, Im very bad at it. I cant be hating and be happy at the same time.