occam

I had this weird dream the other night that I really wasn't that good at basketball. I was okay but really nothing more than that. The back story to this is that one regret I have is that I was a very moody teenager and I didn't get along very well with my basketball coah in high school and I would rebel by not playing very well. I've always kinda blamed him as well as my own lack of maturity and lack of drive to just go out there and do whatever I wanted. I don't think I was ever NBA quality but I think I could have been a bit player on a small division 1 team instead of only receiving one division 2 offer. By the time I got to college I was fairly sick of organized basketball because I didn't do what I thought I could have and then I got in a really stupid but engrossing relationship that pretty much killed any competitive drive that was still left.

The dream made me all at once calm and unsettled. It was a bit calming to think that maybe I did do my best but still a bit unsettling because I'm still cometitive enough to think that I could have done much better. I'm alway really down on myself and even I call it self-loathing but really it's just that I have high expectations for certain things and that was one of them...so to not achieve any of it has always bothered me a bit.