occam

Lately I have mistaken slightly less misery as happiness. I haven't had a happy moment since Amanda died and even then I wasn't really feeling great. I took the day off today and there were times when I felt like, it's moments like this when I should be happy. Moments like this when I remember finding something to feel good about and it's just not there. There just isn't anything there anymore. I don't know when it'll come back if ever but I'd rather not think that fatalistically. My band is going good for the first time in years and things actually look promising but I honestly couldn't care less. I'm just there taking up space in every aspect of my life. The weird thing is that this is the first time I've ever felt like this without feeling like it's my fault. I'm actually content with myself (which is very rare) but it's kinda like one day losing your ticklishness. When good things happen I just kind of look at them as curiosities.