nova_prospekt

i'm so close to possibly having something that i have wanted for a long time that it's starting to scare me. this is usually the part where the floor falls out from underneath me. i have a reasonably good chance of being able to change jobs and change cities (both of which are things that at this point are vital to my survival) and the scary fucking thing about it is i'm optimistic. i'm never optimistic about anything. the only thing that optimism does is fucking destroy me when things don't seem to turn out in my favor (which they never seem to do). up to this point i have always seemed to chalk my misfortunes up to bad luck, God punishing me, or some other unavoidable circumstance, but i'm starting to see the big picture and i realize that i never succeed in life simply because i have absolutely nothing to offer anybody. be it a potential employer, a woman, or anybody else that i could benefit from having any kind of relationship with. the simple truth is that people seem to have a sixth sense for seeing right through me. as much as i try to hide it, i'm starting to realize that people never give me any chances because they know that i'm fucking worthless. as much as i try to hide it, and try to seem like an easy going, care free kind of a guy; i guess that somehow people see through that and see me for what i really am: a miserable, talentless, self loathing waste. the more optimistic i feel about my chances for getting this job, the more i get this horrible sneaking feeling that i'm just setting myself up for a huge fall and the disastrous consequences.