northern

Two and a half years ago, I had weight loss surgery. Not the well-known gastric bypass, but something called lap-band surgery. They implant a band around the top part of your stomach to restrict the amount you can eat.

Because it's not covered by medicare, I used what little money I had from an inheritance to pay for it. Gastric bypass is covered, but the waiting list is six years long. And I was worried that at about 350 pounds, I might not have six years.

I've always been big, but just kept getting bigger. The worst was when I went on a new antipsychotic and within a few months, I put on 50 pounds. Although I had already been obese, I was in decent health. After the rapid weight gain, I became easily out-of-breath, and just plain felt unhealthy. Even after I stopped taking that drug, I couldn't lose the weight.

Between the depression and the schizophrenia, diets are unworkable for me. I either don't eat or I binge.

But I was still lucky - I hadn't developed weight-related illnesses - diabetes, heart disease, etc. I had sleep apnea, quite severely it turns out, but all I knew was that I snored like a frieght train.

So, faced with my own feeling of declining health, and wanting to act before I developed more serious problems, I figured I'd use the money I had to get the surgery and lose weight while I was still basically healthy.

I had the surgery, and within a few months I had lost 50 pounds, and it felt great. I felt better about myself, both mentally and physically.

But, in the past two years, I've only lost a few more pounds. I'm not exactly a success story for weight loss surgery. Part of the problem is my lethargy caused by severe depression. But a lot of it is my own lack of willpower. I cheat.

I can cheat by doing things that get the calories into me more than they should. Liquids will go right past the band, rather than make me full. Eating chocolate gets past the band, because it basically melts when you eat it.

Even worse, I've proved to myself that I am addicted to food. I will feel full quite quickly as a result of the surgery. But I don't stop eating. I literally feel pain as I cram more food into me. It's like telling an addict that they must still have some of what they're addicted to, but not too much. Imagine if an alcoholic was required to drink one or two beers each day in order to live. How many of them would be able to stop at just that?

I have to eat. I just can't stop.

This is all prompted by seeing another documentary on tv about people having weight loss surgery and the success they've had with it. It's very depressing cuz I hate myself for not having the strength to control myself.

I try to remind myself that I've managed to keep off the weight I lost initially, and that losing that weight has probably added a few more years to my life.

And I try to tell myself that I can just stop overeating now. Forgot about my lack of success over the past two years, and start fresh now.

That feeling sadly doesn't last very long. It just ends up making me feel like shit. Like a complete failure. I know that's the depression talking, and I really try to tell it to fuck off.

Anyways, I'm rambling now.

Thanks for listening.