noelani

I've had a lot of nervous energy lately. I don't know that it's so much nervous, as it is just pent up energy. Wait...that doesn't make sense. I don't care though, it makes sense to me. I just want a change. It's that time again. Every year (sometimes a couple times a year) I get this urge just to change things around. It usually starts small, changing things with my appearance or buying new clothes. Then moving my furniture around in my apartment. Then it goes to changing a job, or figuring out a new path in my education. Then it goes to moving to a new apartment. Then it goes to moving to a new city. Then it repeats because I'm either not happy or too happy. I just hate feeling stagnant. I'm always wanting to change, flighty some would call it. Maybe that's why I don't have any close friends. Not that I don't have close friends, but friends I've had for years. I hear people say, "oh yeah we've been friends since we were 3" or "I've known them for 10 years". I can't say that about anyone. Hhhmmm....issues with closeness much? Maybe. Whatever though, people are expendable and disposable. There's always more where they came from.
Seriously though, I envy those who have had friends for years. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me that people don't want to be around me. But then I think, well yes, it is me, but it's because I push people away or I always make a reason up in my head why we can't be friends. *sigh, I'll get over it.

So anyways, my next venture I think will be moving to New York. I've been thinking about it for a couple years now, and it's just sounding more and more like something I want to do. There's a school I want to go to, and I'd be closer to some of my family. Eh, I don't know though. There's a big part of me that's saying, "NO!, remember what happened when you moved to Seattle on a whim!? You hated it!!."
I could always move back right? right?

I love being free spirited, and having the courage to just say fuck it and go but sometimes I wish I didn't have that in me. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to be content in where I was at in life and to build on it and just stay put. But the thought of being "Content" with anything drives shivers up my spine and a feeling of fear so large in my heart that I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like being content is just settling. Limiting yourself. Hhhmmmm.....I wouldn't make a very good buddhist.

On another note, I'm going to look at Scions today. I love em.

I pancakes and beer for dinner.

Kisses