have you ever died?
I have.
it makes it very easy to be completely here. completely now. to give everything to a certain someone, if I so desire. to give everything to a certain cause. to give everything to no one or nothing at all.
and there is a great deal of beauty in this insanity. I know, for a fact, that I have friends and family who live vicariously through my moments of glistening across the night sky like a meteorite burning up in the atmosphere.
there are other times-- probably the majority of my life-- when I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. because, unfortunately, there is more to life than here and now and the grind goes on people get bored
and boring.
and I may just be the same woman who drove a taxi (and got top grades at a well respected law school) and the same woman who sang Eye of the Tiger coming out of her heart sugery (who, for a period of time, was unable to feed herself) and the same woman who had a stroke while driving a 40-foot, 14-ton transit bus and kept on going because her doctors had told her that she was subconsciously trying to sabatoge herself (and she feels like a failure)
but now I don't know what to do with myself.
because I am so
here
and now
I can drive taxi part time
I can find people who don't want to be found
I can wait another year to go back to law school
(and we all know how well I do with waiting)
but how do I make me love me again? how do I feel like this life isn't a lost cause? how do I stop wondering if I shouldn't have just gone quietly, if that hole in my heart never should have been found?
I have.
it makes it very easy to be completely here. completely now. to give everything to a certain someone, if I so desire. to give everything to a certain cause. to give everything to no one or nothing at all.
and there is a great deal of beauty in this insanity. I know, for a fact, that I have friends and family who live vicariously through my moments of glistening across the night sky like a meteorite burning up in the atmosphere.
there are other times-- probably the majority of my life-- when I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. because, unfortunately, there is more to life than here and now and the grind goes on people get bored
and boring.
and I may just be the same woman who drove a taxi (and got top grades at a well respected law school) and the same woman who sang Eye of the Tiger coming out of her heart sugery (who, for a period of time, was unable to feed herself) and the same woman who had a stroke while driving a 40-foot, 14-ton transit bus and kept on going because her doctors had told her that she was subconsciously trying to sabatoge herself (and she feels like a failure)
but now I don't know what to do with myself.
because I am so
here
and now
I can drive taxi part time
I can find people who don't want to be found
I can wait another year to go back to law school
(and we all know how well I do with waiting)
but how do I make me love me again? how do I feel like this life isn't a lost cause? how do I stop wondering if I shouldn't have just gone quietly, if that hole in my heart never should have been found?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
You're still with us because all of us care and you still have so much shit to do in life.
The heart is an organ of fire!!
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