nexttuesday

I debated about writing a new journal, because I really liked yesterdays entry. But I realized that lesson is set and now I have to share what I learned yesterday. Because I like to share whether you like it or not

Yesterday I learned my Momma taught me to doubt myself.

Before you take that wrong, let me explain. If you have ever met me or spent time getting to know who I am, you know I doubt almost every single thing about myself. Even if it's something easy such as deciding a place where to eat. I'm always wondering if my choices will affect someone else or if I'm really making the right choice. I am also very down on myself. If you asked me to tell you honestly I would say I think I am ugly, I can never understand why any man or woman likes me, I dont think I'm a great friend, and I think my awkwardness and my quirks come off as stupid. No harping. That's just how I view myself....for now.

So my Momma and I are trying new creative outlets. We are both very creative people but have been severely slacking with our dominant artforms. To spice things up and get our creative juice flowing again, we decided we are going to learn how to draw. So we have a book, we got some supplies, and we have done 2 lessons over the past two days.

Now I am trying to change my way of thinking. I want to be a happier positive person. So I am going in this with the attitude of "I am a great artist, even if noone else can tell". And you know what? I'm having a blast. Does my drawing of my hand really look like a hand? Sure, if I was on acid. But truthfully it's better than I thought I could do. And I did it. I didn't sit around wishing I could learn how to draw, I am actually learning. Do I think that means I'll be a famous artist? No, but I'll sure be damned proud of myself for doing something I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember.

My Momma on the other hand is getting very stressed out and down on herself. I started to noticed it on Tuesday but just kind of ignored it. Yesterday I wouldn't let her get away with it. She said "My drawing doesn't even look like a hand, I'm so stupid, I can't even draw a hand" I said "You are not stupid. You are an abstract artist" She said "I cant even do this" I said "You can do this. You just have to give it two days." We went on throughout the night and I heard her say so many derogatory comments about herself. About how ugly she feels, how she doesnt like her body, how she has no talent, how she worries about what people think about her. It really made me sad for her.

And I realized this is exactly how I sound. How sad. How incredibly fucking sad that we waste so much time worrying about what doesn't matter.

Think about it. I have tummy pudge that Im very self concious about, no matter how skinny I get, that pudge is still there. I dont want people to see it, if it sticks out a little I feel like a cow. Why? Have I ever lost a lover or a friend over my pudge? No. And so much of my life I spend trying to figure out why people like me. I can't seem to find the good in me. Why? Why waste my time dwelling on such a thing? Why not just start doing some really good things, then I'll easily have something to see which may in turn lead me to what was already there.

My mission for today is to do something good. I'm not sure what, but I will let you know.