nexttuesday

I often fall victim to the guilt of my loved ones bad times. For no reason really other than I care too much. Too the point I often forget I cannot control their lives. I need to stop doing this, it causes me to panic and panicking helps nothing and noone. I am working on this. I am bettering myself and preparing myself for a happier life.

I've put on a hefty 11 pounds since living with my Momma. I have a really hard time dealing with this. I know I must gain weight, about 15 pounds, but all I can imagine is 15 pounds of fat and it terrifies me. So I started exercising last week and I've kept on it. Yoga in the morning and now walking a mile in the evening with my Momma and Sis when shes around. Sometimes I take a day off and thats okay. I'm proud of myself. Soon I'll look how I want to look and I'll be proud that I did it the right way.

When I was deep in my depression I forgot many things that I loved and those I didn't forget I pushed away. Now that I've swam to the surface of light I remember the things I enjoy so. Writing short stories with my Momma and laughing when we read them to each other. Going for walks and stopping to listen to my Momma tell me which plants are what. Shaping stained glass and piecing it together to make creations that please my eye. Feeling yarn pass over my finger as I relax on the sofa while crocheting. I forgot I could enjoy myself and not drink.

I am blessed. I have found myself again. I said I was starting a new life, how very right I was.