"Clumsy bastard" entertainment inc. presents-
Death of a pair of sunglasses...ashes to ashes etc etc.
The pain is beginning to subside a little with the news that the divine attractivefilth may be able to help me with a replacement pair. ALL the love and gratitude for that!!
Ok so this is a mad story...
So I was in Manchester briefly the other day. It's not a place I frequent all that regularly, and as a result, I spent most of my time either lost or VERY lost, but I met many very helpful people who were very tollerant of the daft southerner with no idea where he was going....
"Wow" I thought, "isn't Manchester a nice place!!"
I then made the mistake of accidentally cutting up a pair of scallies in some shitty kitted up Citroen Saxo at some traffic lights, having realised I was in the wrong lane.
Now contrary to appearances, I'm not an aggresive person, and this coupled with the fact that I was blatantly at fault, meant that I apologised profusely to these two guys, one of whom gets out of the car and blocks me driving off, and the other who winds his window down and immediately begins threatening physical violence.
This was definitely not a good moment!
There are 2 lanes of traffic queued behind us watching this unfold, and as I apologise for perhaps the fourth or fifth time, I realise that these dick heads are probably not going to let this lie, and that a change of tack is required, particularly as the one blocking my way looks like he's about to start kicking my car to pieces.
Having had simillar trouble in the past in Nottingham with wankers and their violent road rage issues, I discovered a little loop hole in the law of this land which allows you to carry something heavy and blunt in your car providing you have reasonable justification for it being there. (This means that it is legal to have a baseball bat under the seat, providing you also have a ball to hit with it, although I'm told that a sharpened screwdriver is also ok if you've got some screws or a stanley knife if you've got some carpet...isn't the law strange, and a bit scary)
Since stashing a bat there, I hadn't really considered the prospect of actually having to take it out and use it, and it wasn't a prospect I relished, but the stage was swiftly approaching I realised, where another apology to these morons was not going to make the situation better...
The driver was still giving it "AHHH, WELL I ALWAYS THOUGHT SOUTHERN PEOPLE WERE F*CKING THICK", at which point I responded with "well I'd heard northern people were f*cking friendly, but I guess not", took my jumper off to reveal my tattoos in all their glory, took the bat from under the seat, and (shitting myself a bit) got out of the car ..................................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................................ ......................
You've never seen a pair of scally dickheads get in their car and drive away quite so quickly!!!
This was pretty much the result I was looking for, as I'm not quite sure what I would have done next had they decided to have a go, and I would have been PANICKING!!
There's a huge queue of traffic built up behind us at this point, some looking absolutely horiffied at what had just transpired, but the majority laughing HARD at these guys. I kind of looked around sheepishly and then legged it back in to the car and headed for the motorway at LIGHTSPEED!
The whole experience left me slightly numb, but having thought about it since, (I'm not sure it was my absolute proudest moment, and it could have gone SERIOUSLY wrong on a range of levels!
) I've decided I'm going to claim it as a small victory over little f*cking bullies in their "cool" cars who usually pull that shit with people a good deal smaller and less scary looking than me.
I'm open to taking criticism on this one- but I think it was score 1 to the good guys...
on a different note- thanks to kombucha for her technical help and good luck with the Bizarre thing!
All the love once again to attractivefilth for the shades assistance!
...and the rest, you know the drill- manly handshakes, girly kisses, etc etc!
"I'll do it! 50 chicken wings - Suicide! Right now!! LETS GO!
S.x
Death of a pair of sunglasses...ashes to ashes etc etc.
The pain is beginning to subside a little with the news that the divine attractivefilth may be able to help me with a replacement pair. ALL the love and gratitude for that!!
Ok so this is a mad story...
So I was in Manchester briefly the other day. It's not a place I frequent all that regularly, and as a result, I spent most of my time either lost or VERY lost, but I met many very helpful people who were very tollerant of the daft southerner with no idea where he was going....
"Wow" I thought, "isn't Manchester a nice place!!"
I then made the mistake of accidentally cutting up a pair of scallies in some shitty kitted up Citroen Saxo at some traffic lights, having realised I was in the wrong lane.
Now contrary to appearances, I'm not an aggresive person, and this coupled with the fact that I was blatantly at fault, meant that I apologised profusely to these two guys, one of whom gets out of the car and blocks me driving off, and the other who winds his window down and immediately begins threatening physical violence.
This was definitely not a good moment!
There are 2 lanes of traffic queued behind us watching this unfold, and as I apologise for perhaps the fourth or fifth time, I realise that these dick heads are probably not going to let this lie, and that a change of tack is required, particularly as the one blocking my way looks like he's about to start kicking my car to pieces.
Having had simillar trouble in the past in Nottingham with wankers and their violent road rage issues, I discovered a little loop hole in the law of this land which allows you to carry something heavy and blunt in your car providing you have reasonable justification for it being there. (This means that it is legal to have a baseball bat under the seat, providing you also have a ball to hit with it, although I'm told that a sharpened screwdriver is also ok if you've got some screws or a stanley knife if you've got some carpet...isn't the law strange, and a bit scary)
Since stashing a bat there, I hadn't really considered the prospect of actually having to take it out and use it, and it wasn't a prospect I relished, but the stage was swiftly approaching I realised, where another apology to these morons was not going to make the situation better...
The driver was still giving it "AHHH, WELL I ALWAYS THOUGHT SOUTHERN PEOPLE WERE F*CKING THICK", at which point I responded with "well I'd heard northern people were f*cking friendly, but I guess not", took my jumper off to reveal my tattoos in all their glory, took the bat from under the seat, and (shitting myself a bit) got out of the car ..................................................................................................................... ........................................................................................................................ ......................
You've never seen a pair of scally dickheads get in their car and drive away quite so quickly!!!
This was pretty much the result I was looking for, as I'm not quite sure what I would have done next had they decided to have a go, and I would have been PANICKING!!
There's a huge queue of traffic built up behind us at this point, some looking absolutely horiffied at what had just transpired, but the majority laughing HARD at these guys. I kind of looked around sheepishly and then legged it back in to the car and headed for the motorway at LIGHTSPEED!
The whole experience left me slightly numb, but having thought about it since, (I'm not sure it was my absolute proudest moment, and it could have gone SERIOUSLY wrong on a range of levels!
) I've decided I'm going to claim it as a small victory over little f*cking bullies in their "cool" cars who usually pull that shit with people a good deal smaller and less scary looking than me.
I'm open to taking criticism on this one- but I think it was score 1 to the good guys...
on a different note- thanks to kombucha for her technical help and good luck with the Bizarre thing!
All the love once again to attractivefilth for the shades assistance!
...and the rest, you know the drill- manly handshakes, girly kisses, etc etc!
"I'll do it! 50 chicken wings - Suicide! Right now!! LETS GO!
S.x
VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
What's up??
I'm originally from notts too
Where abouts you from??
Christina