nadir

in october of 2001 my computer crashed
i lost all my information, nothing was saved elsewhere

my last copy of my thesis from college -- i still have a hard copy thank god...

every piece of fiction i had ever wrote

and most humbling of all 5 years of a daily journal

this journal is the first time i have even tried to post regularly about my life, it is hard to go through the process to start again.

everytime i leave a journal on these pages i remember that time i booted up my computer and nothing was there. i remember the time and effort i went to have the hard drive dusted for any fingerprints of my thoughts.

it all left me gone

i became very zen about it.
it was time to face future not past
this was 6 weeks after 9-11 and well words were not all that hard to lose.

so here i ramble disturbed by my rationalization of that time

i am pissed that my computer -- a god damn compaq (guess who got a new one soon after) -- eroded away part of my personal foundation. i was one that would track my thoughts and watch how they changed and had written macros to trace line of thought through my ramblings.

inside were the only words from a loved one that slipped away -- we wrote a book to each other in college and i kept my copy in my journal -- she took the book we pasted and sewed together.

now when i wonder why she loved me i can not go see.

i am a very minimal person, try to refrain from stuff -- but my ideas are my life blood

and 5 years, well 6.25 now are lost due to the benevolence of technology and my over reliance on trusting it.

i know burn everything to cd.

it has been very hard to sit here and write lately, even email to friends go weeks without jumping out of my out box

i crave to keep every word i write these days, as if they might copulate and re-create my past expressions.

do i even make sense to any one but myself, do i understand.

i am unresolved on the issue of words and their power these days.

my nihilism reigns supreme these days