nadir

i am now done with all work for my thesis, i will have a masters in short order.

yet somehow i feel unfulfilled.
fell that i wasted the last 1.5 years (how exactly areyou to deal with a one half... it is not singular nor plural -- fucking hell). i should have been doing a phd in american studeis or history and not wasted time in the primary grades...

i have never failed in anything but relationshops -- wher i seem to master the art of failure -- and french in 7th grade where i managed a 15 average for a semster. fucking funny, i just though getting stoned was much more important that french...
and ever though i no longer smoke any more i am not sure my arguement loses any luster here.

but i have failed as a teacher, my kids are treading water or drowning in all outside mesuremts of their knowledge base, and i have yet to produce a critical thinker. even though i try.

but how can one really convince a child to question everything when if they question things at home they get beatings and so they stay silent and accept.

teaching is the most frustrating thing i have ever done and pretty much makes me think that i have no place around children... as i can not convince them to learn, not even try in any area but soocail studies where i just feed them the hostory of aromas and they get so grossed out that they never forget what i say...

but here i go, i have 6.5 months till i am an exschoolteacher and i am planing to get ack into a real school and track myself directly into a phd program in the city to let me focus on the education system and the way dumbs down children as a function of late capitalism...

joy, i will finally feel that i will be sucessful again... or maybe i have been forever tainted...