nadir

after drinking 64 oz of imperial stout my shit detector buzzes all night.

i miss my wonderful chelskiss who rests in mexico tonight

i hate to mis people, it makes me miss my brother even more. he was born in 1971, a few years before me and 4 months more premature. he never tasted air. ok, so he was never born, but he did get buried, and thus named by my parents. infact he was given my name. or ratehr i was given his.

in many ways i think that i fear achivement because i fear the idea of overshadowing him. i live simply because i live for 4 footprints on this earth and do not want to disappoint him.

as a kid, or at least when i found out about my namesake, i really wanted to see where he/i was buried. but we pulled up stakes and moved clear to texas. he was buried in the bay area, a place that calls me almost as much as the city.

once whne i was doing acid i sware he callled me on my shit. told me not to fuck up. i stole a life, it feels and can never really deal with what tha means.

it hurts to know that i am meant to be an echo of a corpse. it hurst o know that my parents had not the slightest originality to create, only rename.

and i never even talk about this, in fact maybe 2 people i have ever spoken too knows this truth.

so what i do is model my life after others, try to slip into their shoes and become them for a while, it is all i know