nadir

the job hunt continues and i keep looking for things that i am not qualified for

people here have so much specialization that i am a lost cause

or is it that i am looking for things that i know i can never get so that i can hide away in my apt and not be forced to confront the possiblity that i no longer have anything special to offer, that i am damaged goods and feel no reason to fix that

i keep trying to look up, but i am reminded about that time that i was in a pool and could not find the surface -- kicking and reaching ad nasum. like that time maybe i am waiting until i just float to the top.

i never make the first move, want others to do it for me...