nadir

i am finally getting settled with the new school year
my new kids

its wierd but i have an afinity to them that i only had to a few last year

today i found myself explaining how to write with such errie acuracy that i thought i had been possesed by some e.b. white clone

its actually coming along easily, i just hope it flies better than a led ballon, for the kids...

gettho schools suck
i have 37 kids in my class in a room that is designed to hold 24...
i do not have enough books so i find myself making copious copies and lingering close to the bookroom... hoping to find parts of books that i can dole out

the worst thing is that the kids know no difference so they think it is completely a-ok to have to share a desk or books -- 'i'll do home work tonight, you do it tommorow'

its shit
but this is why i am here, at lest thishis what a tell myself every morning

then i begin wondering if i will continue to do this next year...
i signed up for two years
and will be done come june
and everyday i think, will i be back here in 365
the kids are rough, have been expected to eat shit everyday of their lives and it feels like i would be abandoning them if i did decide to move on

guilt
and really, what am i more qualified to do anyway -- advertise, i would rather use my forehead as an asswiper for the rich and awful

grad-school???
i am so sick of conjecture this conjecture that
so i do not see it in my near future

if only i could shut my door and prepare my kids for real life, not the test at the end of the year that determines educational worth...

but for as much as i am down on my future, there is no where i want to be more right now.

all 38 of us crammed in a room that we have to enter and leave depeneding on where we sit...

them and my cat, its what i live for