one year ago i spent my days walking around in a fog, trying to figure out what had just happened. 3 years down the drain.
four years ago i spent holding her, comforting her after she went to the clinic and took the pills that took away what we created, but neither of us wanted. i was always against abortion, stating things like well even though i do not want a kid, i can never see putting one out to pasture.
but when she made the choice, i was relieved. i spent no time convincing her otherwise. she took the pill, i think it is considered a chemical abortion, as it was caught early. and all i remember is sitting in her apartment with her on her couch holding the hot water bottle, trying to make her comfortable. telling her i loved her. holding her hand. all the while wondering what could have been.
and then we got on with our lives, never looking back. well i spent the last month with serious time in my head reviewing memories, and i guess finally dealing with what was one 4 years ago. i distanced myself from the act, as i never thought it was right. i mean for god sakes i do not eat eggs for a reason.
and i was in love and wanted to move on a start a life with her. well it came crashing down a year ago.
and even as i type this, my heart is a flutter trying to figure out why i just let go of what i wanted in life -- well i never wanted a child, but i never wanted to assist in creating one either. but i turned my back on what i believed because i really wanted to spend the rest of my life with anne. hell once she told me that she was interested in me, i let my guard down and said i would plunge in knowing full well that i could easily be hurt.
well right now i still sting from her tossing me aside, but i really hurt from the idea that just like my brother that never was -- stillborn -- i have another part of me that finished.
december is the month of my birth.not that i ever really cared about such things, well at least not since i was 16 so i could drive. but and now it holds so much baggage, part of me wants to sleep till the new year come thanksgiving.
just skip it entirely.
this forum has become so much about loss, and i guess that is really what memories are -- time gone, slipping further away, distorting as the days grow more.
i really want some part of my life to take on a positive focus and gain something, and i guess i am now working towards that. but after having past the one year mark on saturday of 'my worst year,' it is time.....
four years ago i spent holding her, comforting her after she went to the clinic and took the pills that took away what we created, but neither of us wanted. i was always against abortion, stating things like well even though i do not want a kid, i can never see putting one out to pasture.
but when she made the choice, i was relieved. i spent no time convincing her otherwise. she took the pill, i think it is considered a chemical abortion, as it was caught early. and all i remember is sitting in her apartment with her on her couch holding the hot water bottle, trying to make her comfortable. telling her i loved her. holding her hand. all the while wondering what could have been.
and then we got on with our lives, never looking back. well i spent the last month with serious time in my head reviewing memories, and i guess finally dealing with what was one 4 years ago. i distanced myself from the act, as i never thought it was right. i mean for god sakes i do not eat eggs for a reason.
and i was in love and wanted to move on a start a life with her. well it came crashing down a year ago.
and even as i type this, my heart is a flutter trying to figure out why i just let go of what i wanted in life -- well i never wanted a child, but i never wanted to assist in creating one either. but i turned my back on what i believed because i really wanted to spend the rest of my life with anne. hell once she told me that she was interested in me, i let my guard down and said i would plunge in knowing full well that i could easily be hurt.
well right now i still sting from her tossing me aside, but i really hurt from the idea that just like my brother that never was -- stillborn -- i have another part of me that finished.
december is the month of my birth.not that i ever really cared about such things, well at least not since i was 16 so i could drive. but and now it holds so much baggage, part of me wants to sleep till the new year come thanksgiving.
just skip it entirely.
this forum has become so much about loss, and i guess that is really what memories are -- time gone, slipping further away, distorting as the days grow more.
i really want some part of my life to take on a positive focus and gain something, and i guess i am now working towards that. but after having past the one year mark on saturday of 'my worst year,' it is time.....
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december and the beginning of winter is a difficult time as it is...the need to hibernate is thrown off to be social, to go shopping, to be merry...when we really feel just the opposite. so add on any additional baggage, and it's a hard time.
since you were so candid, i will be as well...i've had 3 abortions (every one a regret) and i miscarried a baby at 5 months...so i speak from experience when i say i understand how you feel, and if it's any consolation, i truly, deeply believe that there are no mistakes, that everything happens for a reason, and all life begins and ends when it should. abortions are terribly traumatic things, that no one prepares you for. it's normal, i think, how you feel. maybe don't beat up on yourself so hard?