nadir

dec 3rd of last year hit me like a brick. after about 3 yrs anne decided that she did not want me in her life anymore. she told me we were through.

we were sitting talking, on the couch, and i told her that i had a feeling that she would be going to columbia for law school next year. and with that comment a spark turned into the burns i still feel today. just a few days before we argued about her desire to return to california to be closer to her family and i said something off the cuff to this that was not the best thing i could say. it went something like this: "it is not the 18th century, you do not live on a farm, there is no reason you need to live close to them as we have phones, trips, etc..." mr. sensitivity strikes again...

and well we were not having the best life together, as i was studying and starting a new job that took far too much of my time. she was spending all her time with law school apps and teaching. we stopped being intimate some time right before school started, right after she returned from maine. we were just not taking time for each others' needs, let alone our own.

i guess we really started to fall apart when we went to megan and becks wedding over memorial day weekend in 2003. i was with so many people that i had not seen since college and she felt out of place and jealous of my friends, especially sarasvati. whom she said she never wanted to see again.

but i spent my time, i guess we both did really, giving our relationship cpr over the next year and a few months. then there was the whole incident when she found porn on my computer when i was with friends in philly for a weekend. that did not go well.

but right now i miss her, i still think of her as i drift to sleep and wake up with her on my mind. i would like to think that i would think of helter, but it is anne.

i emailed her once since she moved out to california, got a response and never did write back. in my email i told her i was no longer in love with her, but no longer hated her for letting me fall off a cliff. i lied.

i would have hated to leave new york, but i would have followed her anywhere. and now she is there and i am simply trying to figure out where i am and where i am going. and i just really wish that she was beside me, helping me with the map, as i drive in whatever direction i take.