Wow... so much news. I am going to be working as a contractor for 90 days and go to China in a couple weeks. I'm really excited about all of it and can't wait to get on that plane. I'm also getting $5K up front for my wardrobe allowance.
In other news... I'm feeling icky these days and need to make some changes. I hate being such a drama queen and caring so much about my appearance but it's been programmed into me! I should strive for enlightenment instead of dieting but I can't help myself.
My boyfriend's ex-wife came over the other day and I realized that I really really have an issue with her for some reason. I love her to death and we have fun... but she is one of my biggest weaknesses.
Maybe it's because she is the quintessential white girl and represents what I always wanted to be and was compared to growing up. Girls like her... the popular, athletic, blonde and pretty... they were the bain of my existence for years. They were everything I was not.
I was tall, skinny, awkward, geeky, introverted, brown skinned, homely, and shy. More than anything else.. shy with no sense of self worth aside from my intellect.
So she's here and she's all fit and slender and looking fabulous of course. And while I should not care or even be thinking these stupid and inane thoughts all I can think of is how much I want to be prettier and more charming than her!
Fuck I hate being human. Why can't I get beyond this stupid shit!!!!! I loathe myself sometimes.
***************************************************
Oh and there is the Tom stuff of course. I have no idea what I'm doing there. I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to begin anew and yet I look at my baby girl all snuggled in his lap and I wonder how I could think anything else would be better than this???
Life is so damn confusing.....
In other news... I'm feeling icky these days and need to make some changes. I hate being such a drama queen and caring so much about my appearance but it's been programmed into me! I should strive for enlightenment instead of dieting but I can't help myself.
My boyfriend's ex-wife came over the other day and I realized that I really really have an issue with her for some reason. I love her to death and we have fun... but she is one of my biggest weaknesses.
Maybe it's because she is the quintessential white girl and represents what I always wanted to be and was compared to growing up. Girls like her... the popular, athletic, blonde and pretty... they were the bain of my existence for years. They were everything I was not.
I was tall, skinny, awkward, geeky, introverted, brown skinned, homely, and shy. More than anything else.. shy with no sense of self worth aside from my intellect.
So she's here and she's all fit and slender and looking fabulous of course. And while I should not care or even be thinking these stupid and inane thoughts all I can think of is how much I want to be prettier and more charming than her!
Fuck I hate being human. Why can't I get beyond this stupid shit!!!!! I loathe myself sometimes.
***************************************************
Oh and there is the Tom stuff of course. I have no idea what I'm doing there. I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to begin anew and yet I look at my baby girl all snuggled in his lap and I wonder how I could think anything else would be better than this???
Life is so damn confusing.....
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
i can identify though...for a very long time, i hated myself, nowadays, i like myself a lot more and just despise most of humanity
It's always nice when the person you WANT to be the first to leave a comment...
...IS the person who leaves the first comment.
Hey, have we swapped email yet? i wanna ask you stuff (no, not JUST naughty stuff, young lady!) and it's mighty inconvenient waiting for some busy people to come onto SG!
So, ya been shopping yet?
I'm on a day-off today... the first for ages... it's so nice to have a quiet afternoon, but i almost don't know what to be doing!