n8tvegrl

Well Tom is up at the Lodge tonight and of course my first thought is "oh cool I can have my SG friends over for a little get together" but then I had to stop and think. Where is this all going and what the hell am I doing? I just led Tom to believe that we were "working on things" and that we were finally back on track and happy again.

I know he loves me and I do love him but it's just not what I want. It will never be what I want and need and yet I have found this little happy limbo that seems to be tolerable at the moment.

But is it fair to him? To me? To the kids????

I have no idea. My first instinct is to be honest and do what is in my heart. But then I have to realize that I've got no financial resources to move out and start over at the moment. When I was honest with him about my feelings before he seemed to just sit there and nod his head like "here we go again" but he never took me seriously.

So to bring all of it up again and reinforce what I was telling him before but not actually physically LEAVE the house seems to be pointless and painful. I just hate dishonesty...

I've been dishonest with everyone lately, mostly myself. I want to be open and see my life for what it is and move forward. I just wish I knew how.