*grump grump grump*
...stupid telephone...
more later. perhaps i'll be less grumpy and more in the mood to capitalize.
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Ranting and raving to follow:
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Ok. You know that one relative you have that you dread seeing? Not because they're a horrible person or anything, but they never fail to say or do something that's either really embarrassing or makes you feel like your entire life has gone to waste?
Yeah. I have to see mine tonight. She's my Aunt Gaye. She and Uncle Bill have been married for 50 years and tonight's their anniversary party. And while I have adored my Uncle Bill in the past,* Aunt Gaye is always trying to get us to find religion, and also...well, let me give you my 2 most vivid memories of her and perhaps you'll understand.
Memory # 1. Christmas Eve. I was 6. My parents had been divorced for a few years and we were at my Grandma's house to celebrate Christmas with Dad's side of the family. My mom had conveniently told my dad that in addition to the new bicycle I desperately wanted, apparently I needed new undies. We go around the room, taking turns opening gifts by age, which meant I was second. I rip into this package, open up the lid, see the giant package of panties, slap the lid back on as I'm turning bright red, and whisper, "Thank you, Daddy." (hey, I was 6, and I was shy, give me a break). Aunt Gaye, who is sitting across the very large living room, says in her very loud voice, "What did you get, Dana?" My brother helpfully says, "I bet she got underwear." My sister is cringeing, because she's next to open and she's afraid she's going to get undies, too. My aunt crosses the room, takes the box, HOLDS them up for EVERYONE to see, and shouts, "OH!! LOOK AT THE PRETTY PANTIES!!"
I never took them out of the package. I put them in a bag for Goodwill a year later, unopened. I was embarrassed all over again every time I even saw them in the back corner of the drawer.
Oh, and what did my sister get? Socks. How unfair is that?
Memory #2 Christmas Eve. I was 7 (do we sense a theme?). On the way to Grandma's house for Christmas, my brother starts saying things like, "Dad, don't let Aunt Gaye kiss me this year, ok?" and my sister and I start sort of agreeing, because Aunt Gaye is fond of her bright pink or bright red, and always very sticky, lipstick, which always had a name like Cherries in the Snow. Dad tells him to be quiet, we don't see her that often and it's just one kiss. We get to Grandma's house and Aunt Gaye says, "Oh, kids, I can't give you a kiss, I'm sick." We all tried to play it off as sadness, but immediately ran in the other room and cheered silently. Uh, yeah, she probably figured us out though. We were dumb little kids, not Oscar winning actors.
Do you wonder that I dread how this evening might come about? I mean, it'll be bad enough when she's up in arms that I'm not married, and "what do you mean, you don't go to church?" and "you look just like your father!"...but the thing I dread the most: what about the lipstick stain?
I'm so taking my camera for this.
*I say "in the past" because I haven't seen them since about 1990...when they sat us down about a week after my father died and tried to convince me and my sister to give them our father's life insurance money, because according to them and their super-religious ways, the love of money is the root of all evil and they were trying to protect us. Yeah, ok...
Does anyone here know anything about 401(k)s and what qualifies you as a hardship case to avoid penalties for withdrawing money? Because man, my car payment is due and I'm feeling the unemployment pinch. I wonder if Quik-Trip is hiring 
It's important to have at least one embarassing relative. A) it puts everything into perspective (Who would you have to talk about if everyone was...gasp! normal!) And B) They serve as warnings as to what genetics can do if you don't keep your guard up!
They're walking, talking life lessons!
401K? Crap. As a Canadian all I can tell you is what I learnt off of American sitcoms. Which is basically, don't rent clowns with the money! (It never ends well
There is normally the birdlike aunt, the roung aunt, the loud aunt and the aunt who has a skill for saying the absolutely worst thing at any given time. Normally these traits can combine.
For uncles you have the loud one, the drunk one the vaguely creepy one and the one who is the coolest of the bunch (usually a musician or a traveller)
Thus are my observations of my family!
Then there is my uncle Wayne with his penchant for pink, lady's Harley Davidson t-shirts 2 sizes too small